What to read when It's hard.

Gregory Alan Isakov- Time Will Tell

It's funny days will go by and nothing changes. The status quo remains uninterrupted. 
Then suddenly a year has passed and nothing is the same.
The majority of the changes are so subtle you can't even feel them.

Time passes and you're no longer the person you were a year ago. Six months ago. Yesterday.

And that's okay.
Because we're not supposed to stay the same. We're supposed to evolve. To refine ourselves. To allow life to mold us.

Embrace that change.

There's a story called the Chinese Farmer. It goes roughly like this.

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

You don't have be intensely philosophical to understand that from where we're currently standing, we don't know the end of the story we're living. We don't know the twists and turns still to come.

So can we really label things as "good"'or "bad", when we don't know what the consequences of these things will be? 

Reflecting back on our life, we'll one day see that things happened the way they were supposed to. And when life felt really wrong at certain moments in our timeline, that was only setting us up for moments that were far better.

Because we cannot appreciate the good, fully appreciate it, if we haven't drowned in some hideously, gut-wrenching and harrowing experiences.

Ones where we've second guessed ourselves, and doubted everything. Ones where we've experienced abhorrence first hand from people or life situations.

Time passes with slight changes. Barely perceptible. A stray strand of hair landing on the back of your hand.

Tiny changes occur and suddenly all those things you thought were holding you down, have receded.

You thought there was no way out, when all of the sudden, like the sunrise teasing the horizon, a pink and orange mist saturates the air...

And the road appears before you.

The things I've learned this past year included acceptance and love. 

To accept the things I cannot change. To accept I will not understand everything and everyone, their choices or their actions.

To accept myself. That I am worthy.

Of respect. Of kindness. Of non-judgment. 

Of love.

Both self-love, and love from another kindred spirit. 
I'm worthy of a simple love that's pure. I'm worthy of having my heart cared for not just by me, but tenderly and compassionately by another if I so choose.

I've learned that I'm capable of giving love. And that despite my cruel past, I'm able to be vulnerable. And I did indeed dive into that and continue to feel the sting of vulnerability.

I learned how to stand up for myself. Not lowering my head to someone who hurts me. Also not elevating myself above anyone.

From my broken heart I learned I have a lot to learn. And that sorrow will lead to happiness. I say this for one reason.

Because the Universe always balances itself out if we respect it enough to take a moment and listen to its direction. 

This doesn't always mean following our fickle heart either. Not always.

Sometimes the Universe uses other things to help direct us. Loving friends. Critical thinking. The sage wisdom of teachers. Philosophers.

I learned to take risks. Put myself out there. Tell someone the extent of my feelings, consequences be damned, because I refuse, after a life of submissiveness and tip toeing, to be inauthentic and disingenuous. 

Because the only time you ever grow, is when you take part in things that terrify you. The two most terrifying things I've done this year, were cultivate the courage to leave the abusive man I loved for a decade.

 The second was to actually express the full scope of my feelings in the most raw, messy and borderline embarrassing way possible.

I fall and I rise as many times as I need to.

It shapes me, and the person I will become.

I'm recognizing that I'm constantly humbled by life, it's situations and the people in it.

I'm proud that the abuse I experienced didn't desensitize me to where I couldn't see the beauty in others and experience love.

I'm proud that the deplorable experiences I've had didn't blind me so badly that I couldn't see when someone mistreated me clearly and take action to create those boundaries. Because setting boundaries as an empath may be the most difficult but life enriching step you will ever make.

I'm proud at my determination to remain non-judgmental. Because one, that's too heavy a burden to bear. And two, I could never know every aspect or perspective of a single situation even if I tried.
I also recognize that everything I've learned, will be a continual learning. There will be setbacks. I'll make mistakes. 
I'm not perfect.

Life isn't black and white. It's a gray soup. It undulates.

And all my ups and downs. The ebbs and flows. They make my years worth living.

Not halfway. Not in suffering. Not feeling unsettled..

But authentically. 

And like that pink sunrise that peeks over the horizon. 

It'll eventually burst fractals of light off of everything it touches. Absorbing the shadows and warming it's surroundings.

And so will I.