Martyrdom

There's great virtue and selflessness in putting others first.

If I were to encapsulate my upbringing, it would be a scripture in 1 Corinthians that states, " That is why if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat at all, so that I will not make my brother stumble".

The sentiment is pretty clear. All things we do, should be for the sake of others. To not act in accordance with this would be immoral. Never do anything that might cause unrest to another human being.

Even if that means unrest to our self.

This is Christianity at its core, if you were to boil down all of Jesus' ethical teachings.
Martydom- to constantly live or suffer for the sake of others. Never elevating yourself above anyone.
It's a wonderfully noble idea.

The idea of self-love was not even a thought to me in the slightest growing up.
I couldn't possibly do what's best for me and my needs AND do what's best for another's. 
This is because each individual has different needs.

So are we living our life for someone else...

Often times we find we are living a life we weren't quite hoping for.
Most hope for similar things.
Security. Peace. Love.

Yet we find ourselves in drawn out situations that cause unrest and discomfort. We feel that familiar churning in our core, trying so hard to rectify the position we're now cemented into.

We tell ourselves that we want to be where we are. That's our choice. 
But is it really? Or are we convincing ourselves because that's easier than disrupting the status quo. It's easier than disrupting the people in our life.
So this begs the question,
What's a sign we're living for someone else?

One thing is that we give in to the demands of someone else.
We're afraid to upset the apple cart.
We're afraid of the reaction.
We'd like to maintain relationships with friends and family who bring love and clarity in our life.
However,
We're asked to limit association with these people, or it's suggested in a very convincing way.
It may be recommended with an air of deep concern for our well being that we put some distance between us and our loved ones.

We'd like to pursue hobbies or a way of life that we feel would enrich our life.
However,
We're made to feel silly for wanting these things. Maybe we're even made to feel selfish. 

Do you give into people's demands just to keep the peace?

Another sign is that we're emotionally and mentally exhausted all the time. There's an internal battle within us between what we really want for ourselves and what we're asked to do from someone else.

Slowly we become a different version of our self. A repressed version. 
A shell.

Ask yourself, in catering to this person, am I no longer connecting with people in truly meaningful ways?
In the Japanese culture, there's this idea that we have three faces.
One that we show the world.
One that we show only to our friends and family
One that we never show anyone.

When we've stopped connecting- which could be for a plethora of reasons- due to feelings of judgment for our choices, maybe from friends, or fear of someone's reaction-that's when we either consciously or subconsciously show only the first face.

This face is not necessarily disingenuous.
But it is protected. It's walled off which doesn't allow for healthy companionship. 
Relationships rely on openness and honesty. 
But before you can be open with others, you have to be honest with yourself.

Please, don't spend your life living half heartedly.

Interesting fact. 
You're allowed to pack up and start over.
You're allowed to put your mental and emotional health above everything else!

You're the only one who has to live your life.

I wasted the entirety on my 20's trying to make someone happy who was incapable of true happiness. Lasting happiness.
I bent and twisted and contorted myself until I was unrecognizable in an attempt to make them happy.
In doing so, I lost myself completely.

I let myself get to the absolute bottom of the well, starved and scabbed, before I woke up one day after yet another overly reactive episode and I saw things as they actually were. 
Because while life is gray, certain things are black and white.
The wrongness of the situation one day changed to black and white.

I just decided one day that I wanted to change.
So I changed.
I'm the only one I can control.
I can't change another human
But I did try. For ten years.

Nothing on earth can describe the feeling of utter liberation once that decision was made. Really made. Permanently.
Driving away from that apartment, on February 14th, while gutting, was to date, the best decision I ever made.


Our life should light us up and fill us with enthusiasm.
 No one’s life is a piece of cake and we all have troubles from time to time. However, if this has become a near constant state, we may want to think about making some major adjustments to get back on the path to peace.

Don't spend your precious time on earth, living for someone else.
Would they do the same for you?