A letter...

I don't like to live with regrets.
Who does?
But I think all of us, had we the chance, would go back a change a few things in our life.
Even despite the lessons gleaned from the experiences.

At what point are life lessons not justified?
How many lessons can one person digest before it's too much?
Does it ever come to that point?

Our life's tapestry has a few snags.  
Some severe tears in the colorful threads, distorting entire sections of the design.
It's still beautiful.
The colors are vibrant and eye catching.
Certain parts you could stare at for hours.
There's real beauty.

It reminds me of a large mural at Village Gate here in Rochester.
This painting is oranges and reds and yellows on one end.
Abstract pointalism and fractals and splatters and nonsense.
And yellows and greens on the other end that somehow cohesively blends in the middle.

It's a wonderful metaphorical piece.
The first time I saw it, I looked at it for several minutes.

What would you change?
Honestly.
If I had the chance to go backwards, I'd change a couple things.
I'd tweak a few events, my reactions, my perspective...
Only things I had the power to change.
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 I'd plead with my naive self to speak up.
Tell someone.
Don't feel like you have to protect anyone when you did nothing wrong.
Stop assigning blame to yourself which should be assigned to someone who knows better.
They are lying to you.
Don't listen when they say it's your fault.
You're a child. 
Don't wait 17 years to be honest.

This is going to set up a pattern in your life of allowing people to use you as a doormat.
It'll be one of those doormats with an inspirational saying, or maybe even a funny quip!
But a doormat nonetheless.

Because in that 17 years you'll have to suppress so much, that the only way you'll function is by developing this thick shell.
It'll be mined from a deep, murky place and have the appearance of strength.
It'll be coated with humor and sarcasm.
It might even be shiny and optimistic!
People will always comment on your smiling and upbeat personality.
You'll be your mother's "personal comedian".
But this shell is dense.

And 17 years later when it finally cracks a tiny bit, your world will implode. 
But you had to do it. 
You had to be honest
This will be a divisive time in your family.
People will move away.
Confusion will ensue.
You'll question your choice.
you had to do it.
Love will dominate as it always has, but now with serious, intentional effort.
Effort to overlook.
How can someone overlook it?
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If I could go back I'd tell this 15 year old girl to tell her boss what he did.
Don't quit your job out of fear.
Don't quit your job to protect that person.
It's not okay.
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If I could go back I would tell this young 17 year old girl to run for her life.
That just because you commiserate with someone, doesn't mean you can help him be happy.
Trust your gut when you give him the ring back a month before the wedding.
I would tell her you're going to spend the entirety of your twenties attempting to uplift someone who is incapable of change.

You can't change people.
They have to do that themselves.
Oh but he'll beg for your help sometimes.
Your empathy will expand. You're going to have moments where you question everything.
No. More than moments. 
Years.
You'll stay because of your blind loyalty.
That vow.
You'll stay despite dangerous and unstable conditions.
Because your pattern is to forgive and protect those who cause you harm.

You'll overlook so much it's absolutely, staggeringly, preposterous.
You'll downplay things to such an extent that you're downright lying to yourself.
Because how else will you tolerate it?

You have permission to pack up and leave.
Give yourself permission.
This is dangerous.

Don't wait years to tell.
Call your sister the first time.
You're sitting in your car.
Her number is dialed, just press send.

Don't exhaust every option before you feel like it's okay to leave.
Because I promise you, western pharmaceuticals won't help.
Herbal medication won't help.
Counseling won't help.
The congregation elders' shepherding calls won't help. They'll try!
His family won't help. They'll certainly try.
Your family won't help. They'll certainly try!
And you, you won't help him.
You'll spend 10 years of blood, sweat and tears to get that man to simply behave like a level headed human being, and it won't do a thing.
Because he's broken. 
It won't matter how submissive and understanding you are.
It won't matter how many times you apologize for things that weren't your fault.
It won't matter how loving, affectionate and empathetic you are.

He won't change, even though he wants to and he loves you so much.
It doesn't change anything.

It doesn't matter that you're the only person he's ever really loved.
He will convince you he'll change.
He'll get you to crawl back every time.
Don't.
DON'T.
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When you move away... And you befriend someone who has had similar experiences... Eerily similar... don't think you can help them.

You can't.
Just because you found the strength to leave, doesn't mean they're ready yet.
They may not ever be.

Your hearts will intertwine with kindred hope. 
The bond will be strong. Different from what you've known.

You'll have conversations hours long. 
Heavy hearts and wet faces.
Declarations.
Curled into a ball on the floor, they'll need comfort...

Let her win.
Because it was never a competition.
She'll dominate.

Focus on becoming more mindful.
Focus on your well being.
You won't help things.
Stop hoping, because it hurts...

Eventually you'll see things happened for a reason.
You can't see them right now, because it's too cloudy.
But you're the sky.
When the weather passes it'll be so obvious what the next steps will be.
It won't even feel like a decision it'll be so fluid.

And stop trying to figure it out.
Be present.
Go outside.
Write until it's 4 am if you need to.
The dreams will stop..6 days in a row now...
Keep learning.
Keep reading.
Be more conscious.
Be kind.
Don't judge.

You don't know what's going to happen.
Ever.

You've been through a lot of bad.
But you've had so much good in your life too.

The struggles don't define you.
They softened and sharpened you where you've needed it.

Your new friends are a gift.
Don't take them for granted.
But don't rely on them too much either.
You have to pick yourself up.

You've done it before, you can do it again.

And when you get shut out, doesn't mean you close your door too.
Always be available for those you love.
You never know when someone will need you.
It's ok to feel hurt.
Be open despite the hurt.
There are no absolutes.

You don't know what will happen down the road.

Set your intentions, be honest, and surrender.