Gratitude.

In an attempt to shift focus from situations in my life I struggle with and/or have no control over, I'm going to today, focus on things I'm grateful for.
This is a common thread in religion.
"Count your blessings"
The effort this takes varies day by day.
When it's sunny, work is productive, and the birds are singing, it's easy to be grateful and show gratitude for the positive things in our life.
It's almost as if, when the sun is out, it makes our internal perspective shine that much brighter. The physical effects the visceral.
I always understood why ancient civilizations worshipped the sun, or sun gods.
Sol, Mithra etc...

What about when the day wasn't so good?
Our boss beat us down, our friends cancelled on us, our family was inconsiderate, the day was cold and dreary...

Maybe nothing "bad" even happened.
We're just soaked to the bone in apathy.
Life's uncertainties, like a petulant child, yank on our arms and hands, pulling down. Nagging. Ripping our sleeves.
Incessant and unforgiving.

Maybe we no longer have something we once had.
Something that brought us joy and centered us.

Now it's just me.

Sure, I like me.
Right?

How easy is it to show gratitude during these moments?
Because it's in these moments, feeling gratitude, is most important.

Gratitude doesn't come as easy as grumbling does. But when you begin putting forth intentional effort to give attention to things you're thankful for, it has a magnetizing power.

I never thought of myself as a grumbler.
Until I realized that just because I don't often vocalize negativity, didn't mean I never harbored it.

It's easy to see things you wish were different.
Things you have no control over.
Things that cause pain.
Because pain is louder than contentment.
Pain is the oboe of emotions.
It's not booming loud, but it's nagging and nasal and it demands your attention. (Ha)

So while we allow pain to exist.
We don't give it any more attention than it deserves.
See it and let it pass.
Suffering does serve a purpose. Without suffering, one could argue, joy would not even exist.

Let us instead think of things we are grateful for.
Commit to doing this everyday.
In the morning. Or maybe in bed before bed. Driving to work perhaps.

What am I grateful for?
I'm grateful for my mother. She'll drop everything and come see me if I need her. She makes me laugh and grit my teeth. I'm grateful I have her determined and hardworking genes.
I'm grateful for my father, who is the most calm, mild and deeply compassionate person I know. He doesn't speak much, because still waters run deep. Our bond is unlike any other, and he'll let me hug him indefinitely without pulling away.
I'm grateful for my younger brother who I can be completely and utterly unedited with and I trust more than anyone in the world. His heart is the purest I know.
I'm grateful for my sister who makes me laugh and I can pour my heart out to her and always be met with camaraderie and a kindred heart.
I'm grateful I have a friend I can call or text at all hours and always be met with compassion and calm understanding and non judgment.
This person will send me random texts and emails telling me I'm special. They've cried with me and held my hand during hard times.
I'm grateful I have another friend who is so intuitive, they'll sense when I need to talk or even invite me over at the drop of a hat for a good purging. She doesn't indulge my emotions but tells me exactly what I need to hear, even when I don't want to.
I'm grateful today for the sun shining.
I'm grateful for the roof over my head and my semi warm apartment.
I'm grateful for food in my belly.
I'm grateful for writing.
I'm grateful for my job and hilarious co-workers.
I'm grateful for music, my therapy. Music is always there for me. A constant source of inspiration and mood elevation.
I'm grateful for my comfortable bed.
I'm grateful for nature. Being able to be immersed in nature, breathe fresh air, feel the sun.
I'm grateful for candles for making my studio apartment feel more like home:)

That came easier than I thought.
You should try it:)

Let us make an honest effort everyday, to mentally ponder the good things we have.
I think you'll be surprised how they pour out.

A letter...

I don't like to live with regrets.
Who does?
But I think all of us, had we the chance, would go back a change a few things in our life.
Even despite the lessons gleaned from the experiences.

At what point are life lessons not justified?
How many lessons can one person digest before it's too much?
Does it ever come to that point?

Our life's tapestry has a few snags.  
Some severe tears in the colorful threads, distorting entire sections of the design.
It's still beautiful.
The colors are vibrant and eye catching.
Certain parts you could stare at for hours.
There's real beauty.

It reminds me of a large mural at Village Gate here in Rochester.
This painting is oranges and reds and yellows on one end.
Abstract pointalism and fractals and splatters and nonsense.
And yellows and greens on the other end that somehow cohesively blends in the middle.

It's a wonderful metaphorical piece.
The first time I saw it, I looked at it for several minutes.

What would you change?
Honestly.
If I had the chance to go backwards, I'd change a couple things.
I'd tweak a few events, my reactions, my perspective...
Only things I had the power to change.
------------

 I'd plead with my naive self to speak up.
Tell someone.
Don't feel like you have to protect anyone when you did nothing wrong.
Stop assigning blame to yourself which should be assigned to someone who knows better.
They are lying to you.
Don't listen when they say it's your fault.
You're a child. 
Don't wait 17 years to be honest.

This is going to set up a pattern in your life of allowing people to use you as a doormat.
It'll be one of those doormats with an inspirational saying, or maybe even a funny quip!
But a doormat nonetheless.

Because in that 17 years you'll have to suppress so much, that the only way you'll function is by developing this thick shell.
It'll be mined from a deep, murky place and have the appearance of strength.
It'll be coated with humor and sarcasm.
It might even be shiny and optimistic!
People will always comment on your smiling and upbeat personality.
You'll be your mother's "personal comedian".
But this shell is dense.

And 17 years later when it finally cracks a tiny bit, your world will implode. 
But you had to do it. 
You had to be honest
This will be a divisive time in your family.
People will move away.
Confusion will ensue.
You'll question your choice.
you had to do it.
Love will dominate as it always has, but now with serious, intentional effort.
Effort to overlook.
How can someone overlook it?
---------
If I could go back I'd tell this 15 year old girl to tell her boss what he did.
Don't quit your job out of fear.
Don't quit your job to protect that person.
It's not okay.
--------
If I could go back I would tell this young 17 year old girl to run for her life.
That just because you commiserate with someone, doesn't mean you can help him be happy.
Trust your gut when you give him the ring back a month before the wedding.
I would tell her you're going to spend the entirety of your twenties attempting to uplift someone who is incapable of change.

You can't change people.
They have to do that themselves.
Oh but he'll beg for your help sometimes.
Your empathy will expand. You're going to have moments where you question everything.
No. More than moments. 
Years.
You'll stay because of your blind loyalty.
That vow.
You'll stay despite dangerous and unstable conditions.
Because your pattern is to forgive and protect those who cause you harm.

You'll overlook so much it's absolutely, staggeringly, preposterous.
You'll downplay things to such an extent that you're downright lying to yourself.
Because how else will you tolerate it?

You have permission to pack up and leave.
Give yourself permission.
This is dangerous.

Don't wait years to tell.
Call your sister the first time.
You're sitting in your car.
Her number is dialed, just press send.

Don't exhaust every option before you feel like it's okay to leave.
Because I promise you, western pharmaceuticals won't help.
Herbal medication won't help.
Counseling won't help.
The congregation elders' shepherding calls won't help. They'll try!
His family won't help. They'll certainly try.
Your family won't help. They'll certainly try!
And you, you won't help him.
You'll spend 10 years of blood, sweat and tears to get that man to simply behave like a level headed human being, and it won't do a thing.
Because he's broken. 
It won't matter how submissive and understanding you are.
It won't matter how many times you apologize for things that weren't your fault.
It won't matter how loving, affectionate and empathetic you are.

He won't change, even though he wants to and he loves you so much.
It doesn't change anything.

It doesn't matter that you're the only person he's ever really loved.
He will convince you he'll change.
He'll get you to crawl back every time.
Don't.
DON'T.
-----------
When you move away... And you befriend someone who has had similar experiences... Eerily similar... don't think you can help them.

You can't.
Just because you found the strength to leave, doesn't mean they're ready yet.
They may not ever be.

Your hearts will intertwine with kindred hope. 
The bond will be strong. Different from what you've known.

You'll have conversations hours long. 
Heavy hearts and wet faces.
Declarations.
Curled into a ball on the floor, they'll need comfort...

Let her win.
Because it was never a competition.
She'll dominate.

Focus on becoming more mindful.
Focus on your well being.
You won't help things.
Stop hoping, because it hurts...

Eventually you'll see things happened for a reason.
You can't see them right now, because it's too cloudy.
But you're the sky.
When the weather passes it'll be so obvious what the next steps will be.
It won't even feel like a decision it'll be so fluid.

And stop trying to figure it out.
Be present.
Go outside.
Write until it's 4 am if you need to.
The dreams will stop..6 days in a row now...
Keep learning.
Keep reading.
Be more conscious.
Be kind.
Don't judge.

You don't know what's going to happen.
Ever.

You've been through a lot of bad.
But you've had so much good in your life too.

The struggles don't define you.
They softened and sharpened you where you've needed it.

Your new friends are a gift.
Don't take them for granted.
But don't rely on them too much either.
You have to pick yourself up.

You've done it before, you can do it again.

And when you get shut out, doesn't mean you close your door too.
Always be available for those you love.
You never know when someone will need you.
It's ok to feel hurt.
Be open despite the hurt.
There are no absolutes.

You don't know what will happen down the road.

Set your intentions, be honest, and surrender.

You only lose what you cling to...

In dealing with any sort of loss you're forced to learn about it.
Life slaps us until we get it, or until we break and then we get it.

The way I've found I handle difficult situtions is by researching and trying to understand not just my personal feelings, but productive ways to glean lessons from each experience.

This takes more effort than I ever thought possible and If  I'm being honest, is very difficult.
But it is always rewarded with a calmer sense of myself and more peace. Even if only for a moment.
I'm constantly unlearning. And in unlearning, I'm unburdening myself.
Of what?
Of expectations.
Even if it's only moments of clarity, they are coming more frequently now.
I'm beyond blessed to have people in my life who help redirect my line of thought and care without any expectations in return.

In an effort to hold onto or grasp tightly something that has brought you true joy, it's often possible to lose the thing itself.
When you cling to something, what you're really chasing is the image or illusion of the thing.
An idea
A mirage
Nothing is permanent and you can't fully experience existence if you cling to what is passing.

So just experience it.

I think princess Leia said it best when speaking to Grand Moff Tarkin when she stated, "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." :)

We live in a culture of attachment. We try to fill the void with things, people, distractions...when what we probably should be doing is focusing on our inner person and refining ourself.
Healing ourself.
What a big pill to swallow.
It's so much easier to focus on other people.
Because when we focus on ourselves even for a moment, we might come face to face with things we have been avoiding.

Unravel the rope and unbind yourself.
That which wraps around you, constricts you.

I sometimes have expectations or hopes when it comes to people in my life. I'm human.
Yet in clinging to these, I find I am causing suffering to myself.

People are only capable of what they are capable of, and nothing more.
They have aspirations to be more conscious, mindful and self-aware and they have the best intentions.
They speak with openness and their words are saturated with clarity and resonate deeply.
Yet the space they are in doesn't fully allow them to act in accordance with their words. Who can?
This is difficult for everyone
But attachment to outcomes causes inextricable grief.
We create this beautiful outcome in our mind of what we wish so deeply to happen. We mold it like we're molding partially dry playdough.
It resists. It isn't pliable.

When we try to control movement rather than letting it flow, we needlessly waste energy.
That's when our emotions take control.
What's scary is that we close ourselves off to what actually is.
Rigidity sets in. Like Stone.

So do not unintentionally forecast and do not weep for the past
When we resist, strife thrives.

Set our intentions and surrender to them.
What is it I want?
Peace.
Deep contentment.
Inner happiness.

More specifically,
Loving friends
Health
Honest and real love

I am accepting that I have no control over anything but myself.
None.

I don't know what's going to happen in 2 minutes, much less 2 weeks or 2 years.

The more tightly we hold onto something, in an atempt to control it, the more chaos that creates.
This causes frustration and struggle.
That door stays shut and bolted.
It turns to iron. Cold and immovable.

But what if you opened up a window. Imagine the endless possibilities that could flow through it that you could never imagine were even possible.
Release.
In clutching and grasping and cracking our nailbeds, bloody, to hold onto something that should be let go, we're missing out.

On harmony.
 Opportunity.
   Awakening
     Equanimity
      On Life.

Surrendering is gentle. It feels calm. Then it feels scary.
Because it's extremely easy to talk a good talk about being mindful and in the present.
But to actually surrender...especially when the heart is involved...


Contraction and expansion.

We can feel when we've stopped doing and started being.

We feel contraction in our chest and gut.
There's tightness. Unease.

We feel expansion in a manifestation of lightness.
We feel openness and peace in our heart or our abdomen or our neck.
We can sleep peacefully through the night.
 
I'm attempting.
I'm unlearning.
I hashtag #acceptance and #peace :)
I know I'll get there.

 
So close your eyes and take a deep inhale.
Exhale.
How are you feeling right now?

Martyrdom

There's great virtue and selflessness in putting others first.

If I were to encapsulate my upbringing, it would be a scripture in 1 Corinthians that states, " That is why if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat at all, so that I will not make my brother stumble".

The sentiment is pretty clear. All things we do, should be for the sake of others. To not act in accordance with this would be immoral. Never do anything that might cause unrest to another human being.

Even if that means unrest to our self.

This is Christianity at its core, if you were to boil down all of Jesus' ethical teachings.
Martydom- to constantly live or suffer for the sake of others. Never elevating yourself above anyone.
It's a wonderfully noble idea.

The idea of self-love was not even a thought to me in the slightest growing up.
I couldn't possibly do what's best for me and my needs AND do what's best for another's. 
This is because each individual has different needs.

So are we living our life for someone else...

Often times we find we are living a life we weren't quite hoping for.
Most hope for similar things.
Security. Peace. Love.

Yet we find ourselves in drawn out situations that cause unrest and discomfort. We feel that familiar churning in our core, trying so hard to rectify the position we're now cemented into.

We tell ourselves that we want to be where we are. That's our choice. 
But is it really? Or are we convincing ourselves because that's easier than disrupting the status quo. It's easier than disrupting the people in our life.
So this begs the question,
What's a sign we're living for someone else?

One thing is that we give in to the demands of someone else.
We're afraid to upset the apple cart.
We're afraid of the reaction.
We'd like to maintain relationships with friends and family who bring love and clarity in our life.
However,
We're asked to limit association with these people, or it's suggested in a very convincing way.
It may be recommended with an air of deep concern for our well being that we put some distance between us and our loved ones.

We'd like to pursue hobbies or a way of life that we feel would enrich our life.
However,
We're made to feel silly for wanting these things. Maybe we're even made to feel selfish. 

Do you give into people's demands just to keep the peace?

Another sign is that we're emotionally and mentally exhausted all the time. There's an internal battle within us between what we really want for ourselves and what we're asked to do from someone else.

Slowly we become a different version of our self. A repressed version. 
A shell.

Ask yourself, in catering to this person, am I no longer connecting with people in truly meaningful ways?
In the Japanese culture, there's this idea that we have three faces.
One that we show the world.
One that we show only to our friends and family
One that we never show anyone.

When we've stopped connecting- which could be for a plethora of reasons- due to feelings of judgment for our choices, maybe from friends, or fear of someone's reaction-that's when we either consciously or subconsciously show only the first face.

This face is not necessarily disingenuous.
But it is protected. It's walled off which doesn't allow for healthy companionship. 
Relationships rely on openness and honesty. 
But before you can be open with others, you have to be honest with yourself.

Please, don't spend your life living half heartedly.

Interesting fact. 
You're allowed to pack up and start over.
You're allowed to put your mental and emotional health above everything else!

You're the only one who has to live your life.

I wasted the entirety on my 20's trying to make someone happy who was incapable of true happiness. Lasting happiness.
I bent and twisted and contorted myself until I was unrecognizable in an attempt to make them happy.
In doing so, I lost myself completely.

I let myself get to the absolute bottom of the well, starved and scabbed, before I woke up one day after yet another overly reactive episode and I saw things as they actually were. 
Because while life is gray, certain things are black and white.
The wrongness of the situation one day changed to black and white.

I just decided one day that I wanted to change.
So I changed.
I'm the only one I can control.
I can't change another human
But I did try. For ten years.

Nothing on earth can describe the feeling of utter liberation once that decision was made. Really made. Permanently.
Driving away from that apartment, on February 14th, while gutting, was to date, the best decision I ever made.


Our life should light us up and fill us with enthusiasm.
 No one’s life is a piece of cake and we all have troubles from time to time. However, if this has become a near constant state, we may want to think about making some major adjustments to get back on the path to peace.

Don't spend your precious time on earth, living for someone else.
Would they do the same for you?

What to read when It's hard.

Gregory Alan Isakov- Time Will Tell

It's funny days will go by and nothing changes. The status quo remains uninterrupted. 
Then suddenly a year has passed and nothing is the same.
The majority of the changes are so subtle you can't even feel them.

Time passes and you're no longer the person you were a year ago. Six months ago. Yesterday.

And that's okay.
Because we're not supposed to stay the same. We're supposed to evolve. To refine ourselves. To allow life to mold us.

Embrace that change.

There's a story called the Chinese Farmer. It goes roughly like this.

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

You don't have be intensely philosophical to understand that from where we're currently standing, we don't know the end of the story we're living. We don't know the twists and turns still to come.

So can we really label things as "good"'or "bad", when we don't know what the consequences of these things will be? 

Reflecting back on our life, we'll one day see that things happened the way they were supposed to. And when life felt really wrong at certain moments in our timeline, that was only setting us up for moments that were far better.

Because we cannot appreciate the good, fully appreciate it, if we haven't drowned in some hideously, gut-wrenching and harrowing experiences.

Ones where we've second guessed ourselves, and doubted everything. Ones where we've experienced abhorrence first hand from people or life situations.

Time passes with slight changes. Barely perceptible. A stray strand of hair landing on the back of your hand.

Tiny changes occur and suddenly all those things you thought were holding you down, have receded.

You thought there was no way out, when all of the sudden, like the sunrise teasing the horizon, a pink and orange mist saturates the air...

And the road appears before you.

The things I've learned this past year included acceptance and love. 

To accept the things I cannot change. To accept I will not understand everything and everyone, their choices or their actions.

To accept myself. That I am worthy.

Of respect. Of kindness. Of non-judgment. 

Of love.

Both self-love, and love from another kindred spirit. 
I'm worthy of a simple love that's pure. I'm worthy of having my heart cared for not just by me, but tenderly and compassionately by another if I so choose.

I've learned that I'm capable of giving love. And that despite my cruel past, I'm able to be vulnerable. And I did indeed dive into that and continue to feel the sting of vulnerability.

I learned how to stand up for myself. Not lowering my head to someone who hurts me. Also not elevating myself above anyone.

From my broken heart I learned I have a lot to learn. And that sorrow will lead to happiness. I say this for one reason.

Because the Universe always balances itself out if we respect it enough to take a moment and listen to its direction. 

This doesn't always mean following our fickle heart either. Not always.

Sometimes the Universe uses other things to help direct us. Loving friends. Critical thinking. The sage wisdom of teachers. Philosophers.

I learned to take risks. Put myself out there. Tell someone the extent of my feelings, consequences be damned, because I refuse, after a life of submissiveness and tip toeing, to be inauthentic and disingenuous. 

Because the only time you ever grow, is when you take part in things that terrify you. The two most terrifying things I've done this year, were cultivate the courage to leave the abusive man I loved for a decade.

 The second was to actually express the full scope of my feelings in the most raw, messy and borderline embarrassing way possible.

I fall and I rise as many times as I need to.

It shapes me, and the person I will become.

I'm recognizing that I'm constantly humbled by life, it's situations and the people in it.

I'm proud that the abuse I experienced didn't desensitize me to where I couldn't see the beauty in others and experience love.

I'm proud that the deplorable experiences I've had didn't blind me so badly that I couldn't see when someone mistreated me clearly and take action to create those boundaries. Because setting boundaries as an empath may be the most difficult but life enriching step you will ever make.

I'm proud at my determination to remain non-judgmental. Because one, that's too heavy a burden to bear. And two, I could never know every aspect or perspective of a single situation even if I tried.
I also recognize that everything I've learned, will be a continual learning. There will be setbacks. I'll make mistakes. 
I'm not perfect.

Life isn't black and white. It's a gray soup. It undulates.

And all my ups and downs. The ebbs and flows. They make my years worth living.

Not halfway. Not in suffering. Not feeling unsettled..

But authentically. 

And like that pink sunrise that peeks over the horizon. 

It'll eventually burst fractals of light off of everything it touches. Absorbing the shadows and warming it's surroundings.

And so will I.