"You look like a hippo"
Those were the words my older brother said to me as he looked over my shoulder at pictures my sister and I had taken.
I was fifteen and I bought a new outfit with my own money from my very first job at McDonald's. I still remember, it was a hot pink halter top. My mother would never let me wear it in public.
My sister and I then put on makeup and did a fun little Photoshoot with my parents digital camera.
I was feeling very cute.
My sister said I looked pretty, despite being "softer".
My mom described me as husky.
I was always overweight.
Yikes! That picture!!
His words hurt a lot. Obviously. I was young and impressionable and I already was very insecure.
My sister was and still is beautiful. Blonde hair, green eyes, thin. I mean seriously! Look at her! Life has not been fair to me! Lol
After he called me that name, something in me snapped. I was tired of being the chubby one in school. When everyone else was 105 lbs in middle school, I was about 30 lbs heavier.
So he inflamed my insecurity to the extreme. That night was the first night I purged.
From then on, I did it regularly.
I went from 175 lbs to 129 lbs within a few months. I'm over 5'8
When I look back on those days, I feel sad. Because I put so much emphasis on how I looked.
Something so unimportant.
There was no thought to my overall health.
When you're young these days, there's so much pressure to fit into a certain mold. I was barely overweight but I was so uncomfortable in my body.
I didn't have body dysmorphia, but I was definitely over critical of myself.
Aren't we all?
Purging had side effects though.
Sores on the corners of my mouth and fingers from stomach acid.
It was just a hassle when eating out.
I'd emerge from the bathroom with watery eyes and get looks from people. I was able to do it silently. But I'm pretty sure it was obvious what was happening.
I eventually got sick and tired of it.
So I just decided to stop eating.
I would eat 5 crackers and half a slim fast bar everyday.
That sounds so insane when I type that out!
When my stomach growled, I'd be euphoric!
Look at my self control!
At dinner I might eat a little of the corn on the side of the meal.
Maybe some green beans. No butter. A little salt.
My father threatened to have me hooked up to a feeding tube.
I remember my mom coming in my room one night. I was sitting at my vanity my sister and I shared.
"You know, I think you look good. I don't think you need to lose more weight." She said. I could tell she was getting worried.
My hip bones and clavicle were jutting out quite a bit.
Literally everyone commented on how wonderful I looked. They didn't know how much that fueled my fire. It was the ultimate motivation.
The under-eating eventually ended when I meet my first boyfriend at 17 and he made me feel beautiful and happy. So I relaxed with my eating habits.
After I got married and endured serious struggles I developed a new eating disorder of sorts.
I gained 185 lbs.
I'll repeat that.
I gained 185 lbs!
In a matter of maybe 5 years.
I had obstructive sleep apnea. I slept with a c-pap
Plantar fasciitis. Cortisone shots in my heel.
Knee pain unlike anything... Horrible. I couldn't walk down stairs straight. I had to do it sideways because it bent my knees less.
I was morbidly obese by my early 20's.
Being morbidly obese is so painful.
I hated it hated it hated it.
I tried what felt like everything.
Every diet. Atkins, Weight Watchers, Keto, I actually lost 60 lbs on candida diet.
I'd lose 30 lbs, 60 lbs, 80 lbs, and gain it all back plus some.
I couldn't really work out because it hurt too much.
I made a video to myself, talking about how much being obese sucks.
I haven't watched it in a long time.
But I remember some of what's in it.
"Elyse, you can barely tie your shoes."
...it's hard to watch.
I became vegetarian in 2014 after seeing a Freelee YouTube video and began educating myself. That began to change my entire outlook on things.
I still didn't lose weight though.
My employee's mother had weight loss surgery and that planted a seed. July 2015, after a year of preparation, I had weight loss surgery.
It took 3 weeks to recover. 2 weeks of a liquid diet.
Even then the weight came off very slowly.
After I didn't lose a lot of weight initially, I decided to go for it and went entirely vegan.
After watching Freelee the Banana Girl, Hot for Food, Forks Over Knives, etc... It was a done deal.
When I went vegan, a couple months after the surgery the weight finally began FALLING OFF.
I was one of those that went vegan initially for health.
I've stayed vegan for ethics.
After watching Earthlings there was no going back!
I felt amazing. It was like a new world was opening up to me.
I was buoyant.
I could walk without tiring out.
I could eventually shop at stores that weren't for plus sizes.
Talk about feeling euphoric.
Nothing could properly describe losing that first 75 to 100 lbs.
I felt like I could literally do anything.
My first year I lost 126 lbs.
I lost another 30ish the following 6 months.
I am in the healthy weight range now.
My bmi is 23.
And it's funny... The less I weigh, the more I realize that it's not as important as I thought.
Of course health is so important.
And the severe heart condition in my family needs attention.
But, I'm not necessarily happier because I'm smaller.
I'm happier because I'm taking advantage of my weight loss.
I'm doing things I'd never do before.
Like yoga on the ropes! Or joining a gym! Or bike!
I'm using my new found confidence to be more social.
I'm so much more active now! The endorphins from that alone, are a gift.
When I'm sad or frustrated, I can go for a run and purge emotion.
On a deeper level, losing my weight gave me the strength and confidence to leave a decade long abusive relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I would have done that, had I not lost the weight...
I had the confidence to move to Rochester, knowing not a single person up here.
I had started a new job and on top of that finally became a National Educator for John Paul Mitchell Systems.
All of these things were terrifying! But I did them! I'm really proud of that!
Of course opening myself up allowed for some negative experiences too. But such is life.
And without suffering there'd be no compassion.
Without being obese I'd never appreciate being healthy as much I do now.
Without living In the same place my whole life I'd never really appreciate my new city.
Without being around the same people my whole life, I'd never appreciate my new friends.
I'm grateful, so grateful, for my smaller body and my growing mind:)
Progress pictures:)
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