I've done it for as long as I can remember.
I had to.
So this idea of fully feeling in an effort to heal, is a new one to me.
In the past few months I've endured every spectrum of emotions I think a human can experience.
Fear, happiness, love, devastation, uncertainty...
The positive emotions I cling to with every ounce of strength I have.
When they appear, I have no problems accepting them.
I embrace and welcome them.
When the negative feelings come, I do everything imaginable to ignore them.
I fail miserably often times.
From a single tear to body wracking sobs, I've felt it all in the past months.
When I attempt to repress, I instead feel nausea.
Unsettledness.
This overwhelming, all consuming, internal discomfort that touches everything.
And to cloak that, I find myself being so busy I run myself ragged.
Days off of work are the scariest.
For instance, my day yesterday consisted of breakfast with a friend, lunch with a friend, visiting another friend at the bakery she works at, working out, then going to another friend's house at night. I was going going going.
I didn't have a single second to reflect on anything.
Really reflect.
On a normal work day, I'll work until 6/7, then always have something planned afterward.
It's usually working out, or getting food, or going to band practice until 1 am.
I've been eating out so much with people, I added together what I spent this last month and it was more than my rent!
It was astronomical!
Something has to be adjusted.
Because I'm burning myself out.
Even now, I'm itching to go the gym, because the physical pain of working out takes over and dampens the emotional pain.
And I've endured so much emotional pain that past months that I simply can't endure any more.
I'm at my limit.
I can feel that limit, like a cold steel barricade.
So I'm sitting with pain and uncertainty.
I'm telling myself they don't define me.
I'm the sky. The emotions are the clouds.
And one day soon, they'll pass.
They'll pass because I don't fight them.
I accept and appreciate them, because they're validated.
The emotional pain I'm feeling is validated.
100%
I'm not shirking any responsibility in the part that I played in it.
It's my fault.
I've spent months acting completely on heart based decisions.
I've ignored what my logic has screamed at me.
I've mocked my logic.
What does it know?
I've defended and justified and had so many internal soliloquy's.
I can make my decision work.
Can't I?
Or is it rather, I want so badly for my decisions to pan out.
I want so badly to have everything my heart is screaming for.
Ignore any possible consequences.
But I have to trust the process.
I have to LET things happen, without interference.
Be comfortable with not knowing.
It's so difficult. When I'm so emotionally invested but can't act on those feelings.
So I sit here.
In the quiet.
If I have to cry, that's okay.
If I need to talk it, it's best at that point to write.
Keep what's happened contained the best I can.
I don't need to spread around what's happened so that I have others to indulge in me with my feelings.
Be respectful to all parties involved to the best of my ability.
Have some integrity.
Be mature about it.
It's a constant refining and growing and I'm not perfect.
Not even close.
Most important, feel the feelings.
Once the emotional process had taken place, learn to be ok in that place.
I moved away to be far from a person in my life who caused extreme heartache for over a decade.
I've learned from that.
So listen to your head Elyse.
In the bible it says, the "heart is treacherous, who can know it?"
The heart has the best intentions and it wants the absolute best for us.
But it's tender and vulnerable and has tunnel vision.
So recognize its place, feel the feelings, don't fight them, and respect them.
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