2017 was bar none, one of the most gut wrenching years of my life.
It was also, bar none, one of the most liberating years of my life.
I had been with one person, since I was 17 years old.
I had evolved from a child to an adult, to fit the needs of this one person who harbored demons to such an extent, that he was constantly battling angry, over critical and violent tendencies.
After 10 years of marriage, I made the final, conscious decision to disengage.
The morning of February 14th, after yet another physically violent outburst the night before, I grabbed my big, dark blue suitcase, the same one I got as a wedding present, and started packing some clothes and toiletries to go to my parents. My wrist had speckles of bruises from his fingers.
Halfway through, he came in the room and tried taking the clothes out of my suitcase. Tears running down his face. Apologetic. He was broken.
I remained stoic and strong.
Disengage.
It took 10 years to build up the courage and I was settled in my decision.
It wasn't even that the night before was the worst episode to ever occur. Not even close.
He'd jumped me many times before. Screaming. Possessed.
Held a power drill to my face threateningly.
That was almost nothing compared to the quantity and severity of what I'd endured the previous ten years.
He had tackled me to the floor
Tried to "break my f**** arm" twisting it behind my back.
Thrown items at me. Garbage cans, slushies, blenders, chairs, picture frames, anything really...
Threw a heavy wooden chair down the stairs at me as I tried to escape.
He'd grab his gun, threaten to kill himself.(many times)
He set up secret cameras in our apartment to record me.
Mocked me for childhood abuse.
Made me believe no one liked me, they just felt bad for me, that's why they were my friends.
Got angry anytime I cried. Fist clenching angry.
Refused to comfort me. I mean adamantly refused. He never ever ever comforted me. Under any circumstances.
Flushed my medications
Dumped me off on the side of the road because he thought I read a romance novel.
Picked at any little thing I did to try to "improve me".
Smashed windows, chairs, walls, ceilings, household appliances and items. In every apartment we ever lived in.
Never paid any bills, except his cell phone bill.
I could go on for hours...
The reason I finally got the strength to leave was because one thing kept popping up in my brain every time he was nasty.
10 years.
"10 years....I've tolerated, even enabled this, for 10 years..."
You see, the year before that would have been only 9 years of abuse.
And that just didn't have the same ring to it.
But 10 years?
An entire decade?
A third of my life....
So a cold February morning, something finally clicked.
And that was this...
Nothing I ever do will change him.
It doesn't matter if I act tough, or unaffected, or submissive, or overly loving and kind.
You know why??
His behavior was not a reaction to me.
It never was.
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The way I was brought up was strict.
Divorce was absolutely not an option.
But under extreme violent circumstances, I could separate from him, for my safety.
But even then, I was not free to date or re-marry.
I had to remain married to him, in the eyes of God.
"Elyse, by you choosing to divorce Tim, you're telling God you don't trust that he can fix Tim."
A close friend said to me recently.
I could feel the heat in my neck, extending upward.
Anger.
It's not something that I feel often.
But for anyone to encourage me to go back to vicious, violent abuse, set me ablaze.
I of course smiled and thanked her for her input.
But realized at that point that no one can ever fully understand the extent of my experiences because they didn't witness anything first-hand.
My experiences to them were this distant, detached, story they were hearing second-hand.
And I told almost no one about the abuse until I had finally left.
People assumed we were happy and normal.
To say that people in my life were shocked would be the understatement of the decade.
Because a good Christian wife doesn't talk badly about her husband.
Tim finally admitted to the congregation elders everything he had done in ten years.
Everything.
Then he was disfellowshipped from the congregation.
He was cut off.
No communication allowed with anyone.
Indefinitely.
Not even family could communicate with him.
This was punishment.
He was cast out because of the severity of his abuse.
And in ten years I filed only one police report because it involved my little brother and parents.
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The moment I decided I was moving to Rochester was liberating.
I needed a fresh start.
New friends.
A different perspective.
My mother hated it. Still does. She tells me often I need to come home.
I'm not going to.
Not because I don't love my family, but because I have a lot to prove to myself.
If I can get through 2006-2017 alive, I can get through anything.
And already I've dealt with heartbreak this year.
I've been cast aside.
Dealt with depression and uncertainty.
I guess that's bound to happen.
But I'm going to get through it.
And not crawl though it, exhausted and somber.
I'm going to thrive.
When you've gone through extreme hardship, you generally don't get wrapped up in minor problems.
They roll of your back.
You don't complain much.
Because you remember, it doesn't change anything.
You know what changes things?
Conscious effort to alter the way you think and ACTION.
Being proactive.
I met new people.
These people were different than me.
They were also very welcoming and kind.
Some I consider my closest friends.
I'm the only one in my family to have additional education, a career that keeps growing, the guts to move away, the backbone to question things and the balls to not accept the status quo.
I've always been the black sheep because I had a different childhood than my siblings.
I know what I have to offer.
And ten years of telling me I was useless didn't permanently dampen that. If anything, it lit a fire under me.
I wasted my twenties.
I'll never get them back.
I take solace in the priceless life lessons I choked on.
I'm going to live in my thirties. Really live, fully.
I've made that choice.
It's settled.
I'm going to say yes to things that scare me.
I'm going to say no to things that hurt me.
I'm going to say yes to myself.
I'm going to try new things.
I'm going to be 100% authentic
I'm not going to try to be a lover, but instead simply BE love.
I'm going to be someone I would want to be friends with
I'm going to be a good friend
I'm going to focus on myself but not be too self centered
I'm going to say no to my ego
I'm going to sit back and absorb.
I'm going to go to the movies by myself and travel by myself
I'm going to read books and study and write
I'm going to run and do Yoga more
I'm going to eat more whole foods
I'm going to play my guitar more
I'm going to do open mic night
I'm going to listen more and talk less
I'm going to be outside as much as humanly possible.
I'm going to be a part of something
I'm going to draw boundaries
I'm going to spend less
I'm going to stretch more
I'm going to finish my physical transformation
I'm going to love myself first.
I'm not going to cast my pearls before swine.
I'm going to accept people by their actions, not their words.
I'm going to build my tribe with intention.
I'm going to meditate more
I'm going to be mindful in my thoughts and where I allow them to go.
I'm going to make decisions with my heart and head equally.
I'm not going to give people endless opportunities to hurt me
I'm going to volunteer at a shelter
I'm going to ride my bike a lot
I'm going to walk barefoot in grass and sand
I'm going to be more helpful in the vegan community
I'm going to be on social media less
I'm going to widen my circle even more
I'm going to keep certain doors closed and others wide open
These are some of my intentions.
It has been recorded
So be it :D
Pictures from 2017
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