Feel the feelings...

I have a habit of repressing and repressing and repressing feelings to get by.

I've done it for as long as I can remember.
I had to.

So this idea of fully feeling in an effort to heal, is a new one to me.

In the past few months I've endured every spectrum of emotions I think a human can experience.

Fear, happiness, love, devastation, uncertainty...
The positive emotions I cling to with every ounce of strength I have.
When they appear, I have no problems accepting them.
I embrace and welcome them.

When the negative feelings come, I do everything imaginable to ignore them.
I fail miserably often times.
From a single tear to body wracking sobs, I've felt it all in the past months.

When I attempt to repress, I instead feel nausea.
Unsettledness.
This overwhelming, all consuming, internal discomfort that touches everything.
And to cloak that, I find myself being so busy I run myself ragged.

Days off of work are the scariest.

For instance, my day yesterday consisted of breakfast with a friend, lunch with a friend, visiting another friend at the bakery she works at, working out, then going to another friend's house at night. I was going going going.
I didn't have a single second to reflect on anything.
Really reflect.

On a normal work day, I'll work until 6/7, then always have something planned afterward.
It's usually working out, or getting food, or going to band practice until 1 am.

I've been eating out so much with people, I added together what I spent this last month and it was more than my rent!
It was astronomical!

Something has to be adjusted.

Because I'm burning myself out.

Even now, I'm itching to go the gym, because the physical pain of working out takes over and dampens the emotional pain.
And I've endured so much emotional pain that past months that I simply can't endure any more.
I'm at my limit.
I can feel that limit, like a cold steel barricade.

So I'm sitting with pain and uncertainty.
I'm telling myself they don't define me.
I'm the sky. The emotions are the clouds.
And one day soon, they'll pass.
They'll pass because I don't fight them.
I accept and appreciate them, because they're validated.

The emotional pain I'm feeling is validated.
100%
I'm not shirking any responsibility in the part that I played in it.
It's my fault.
I've spent months acting completely on heart based decisions.
I've ignored what my logic has screamed at me.
I've mocked my logic.
What does it know?
I've defended and justified and had so many internal soliloquy's.
I can make my decision work.
Can't I?

Or is it rather, I want so badly for my decisions to pan out.
I want so badly to have everything my heart is screaming for.
Ignore any possible consequences.

But I have to trust the process.

I have to LET things happen, without interference.

Be comfortable with not knowing.

It's so difficult. When I'm so emotionally invested but can't act on those feelings.

So I sit here.
In the quiet.
If I have to cry, that's okay.
If I need to talk it, it's best at that point to write.
Keep what's happened contained the best I can.
I don't need to spread around what's happened so that I have others to indulge in me with my feelings.
Be respectful to all parties involved to the best of my ability.
Have some integrity.
Be mature about it.
It's a constant refining and growing and I'm not perfect.
Not even close.

Most important, feel the feelings.
Once the emotional process had taken place, learn to be ok in that place.

I moved away to be far from a person in my life who caused extreme heartache for over a decade.

I've learned from that.
So listen to your head Elyse.
In the bible it says, the "heart is treacherous, who can know it?"

The heart has the best intentions and it wants the absolute best for us.
But it's tender and vulnerable and has tunnel vision.

So recognize its place, feel the feelings, don't fight them, and respect them.

Weight loss pep talk!

Reflection on my weight journey...

"You look like a hippo"
Those were the words my older brother said to me as he  looked over my shoulder at pictures my sister and I had taken.
I was fifteen and I bought a new outfit with my own money from my very first job at McDonald's. I still remember, it was a hot pink halter top. My mother would never let me wear it in public.
My sister and I then put on makeup and did a fun little Photoshoot with my parents digital camera.
I was feeling very cute.
My sister said I looked pretty, despite being "softer".
My mom described me as husky.
I was always overweight.
Yikes! That picture!!

His words hurt a lot. Obviously. I was young and impressionable and I already was very insecure. 
My sister was and still is beautiful.  Blonde hair, green eyes, thin. I mean seriously! Look at her! Life has not been fair to me! Lol

After he called me that name, something in me snapped. I was tired of being the chubby one in school. When everyone else was 105 lbs in middle school, I was about 30 lbs heavier.
So he inflamed my insecurity to the extreme. That night was the first night I purged.

From then on, I did it regularly.

I went from 175 lbs to 129 lbs within a few months. I'm over 5'8

When I look back on those days, I feel sad. Because I put so much emphasis on how I looked.
Something so unimportant.
There was no thought to my overall health.
When you're young these days, there's so much pressure to fit into a certain mold. I was barely overweight but I was so uncomfortable in my body.
I didn't have body dysmorphia, but I was definitely over critical of myself.
Aren't we all?
Purging had side effects though.
Sores on the corners of my mouth and fingers from stomach acid.
It was just a hassle when eating out.
I'd emerge from the bathroom with watery eyes and get looks from people. I was able to do it silently. But I'm pretty sure it was obvious what was happening.

I eventually got sick and tired of it.
So I just decided to stop eating.
I would eat 5 crackers and half a slim fast bar everyday.
That sounds so insane when I type that out!
When my stomach growled, I'd be euphoric!
Look at my self control!
At dinner I might eat a little of the corn on the side of the meal.
Maybe some green beans. No butter. A little salt.
My father threatened to have me hooked up to a feeding tube.
I remember my mom coming in my room one night. I was sitting at my vanity my sister and I shared.
"You know, I think you look good. I don't think you need to lose more weight." She said. I could tell she was getting worried.
My hip bones and clavicle were jutting out quite a bit.


Literally everyone commented on how wonderful I looked. They didn't know how much that fueled my fire. It was the ultimate motivation.

The under-eating eventually ended when I meet my first boyfriend at 17 and he made me feel beautiful and happy. So I relaxed with my eating habits.

After I got married and endured serious struggles I developed a new eating disorder of sorts.
I gained 185 lbs.
I'll repeat that.
I gained 185 lbs!
In a matter of maybe 5 years.

I was pre-diabetic
I had obstructive sleep apnea. I slept with a c-pap
Plantar fasciitis. Cortisone shots in my heel.
Knee pain unlike anything... Horrible. I couldn't walk down stairs straight. I had to do it sideways because it bent my knees less.
I was morbidly obese by my early 20's.
Being morbidly obese is so painful.

I hated it hated it hated it.
I tried what felt like everything.
Every diet. Atkins, Weight Watchers, Keto, I actually lost 60 lbs on candida diet. 
I'd lose 30 lbs, 60 lbs, 80 lbs, and gain it all back plus some.
I couldn't really work out because it hurt too much.
I made a video to myself, talking about how much being obese sucks.
I haven't watched it in a long time.
But I remember some of what's in it.
"Elyse, you can barely tie your shoes."
...it's hard to watch.

I became vegetarian in 2014 after seeing a Freelee YouTube video and began educating myself. That began to change my entire outlook on things.

I still didn't lose weight though.
My employee's mother had weight loss surgery and that planted a seed. July 2015, after a year of preparation, I had weight loss surgery.
It took 3 weeks to recover. 2 weeks of a liquid diet.
Even then the weight came off very slowly.
After I didn't lose a lot of weight initially, I decided to go for it and went entirely vegan.
After watching Freelee the Banana Girl, Hot for Food, Forks Over Knives, etc... It was a done deal.

When I went vegan, a couple months after the surgery the weight finally began FALLING OFF.
I was one of those that went vegan initially for health.
I've stayed vegan for ethics.
After watching Earthlings there was no going back!



I felt amazing. It was like a new world was opening up to me.
I was buoyant.
I could walk without tiring out.
I could eventually shop at stores that weren't for plus sizes.
Talk about feeling euphoric.
Nothing could properly describe losing that first 75 to 100 lbs.
I felt like I could literally do anything.

My first year I lost 126 lbs.
I lost another 30ish the following 6 months.
I am in the healthy weight range now.
My bmi is 23.
And it's funny... The less I weigh, the more I realize that it's not as important as I thought.
Of course health is so important.
And the severe heart condition in my family needs attention.
But, I'm not necessarily happier because I'm smaller.
I'm happier because I'm taking advantage of my weight loss.
I'm doing things I'd never do before.
Like yoga on the ropes! Or joining a gym! Or bike!

I'm using my new found confidence to be more social.
I'm so much more active now! The endorphins from that alone, are a gift.
When I'm sad or frustrated, I can go for a run and purge emotion.

On a deeper level, losing my weight gave me the strength and confidence to leave a decade long abusive relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I would have done that, had I not lost the weight...
I had the confidence to move to Rochester, knowing not a single person up here.
I had started a new job and on top of that finally became a National Educator for John Paul Mitchell Systems.
All of these things were terrifying! But I did them! I'm really proud of that!

Of course opening myself up allowed for some negative experiences too. But such is life.
And without suffering there'd be no compassion.
Without being obese I'd never appreciate being healthy as much I do now.
Without living In the same place my whole life I'd never really appreciate my new city.
Without being around the same people my whole life, I'd never appreciate my new friends.

I'm grateful, so grateful, for my smaller body and my growing mind:)
Progress pictures:)

2018 Intentions

I've been mentally compiling a list of goals or intentions for 2018.

2017 was bar none, one of the most gut wrenching years of my life.
It was also, bar none, one of the most liberating years of my life.

I had been with one person, since I was 17 years old.
I had evolved from a child to an adult, to fit the needs of this one person who harbored demons to such an extent, that he was constantly battling angry, over critical and violent tendencies.

After 10 years of marriage, I made the final, conscious decision to disengage.

The morning of February 14th, after yet another physically violent outburst the night before, I grabbed my big, dark blue suitcase, the same one I got as a wedding present, and started packing some clothes and toiletries to go to my parents. My wrist had speckles of bruises from his fingers.

Halfway through, he came in the room and tried taking the clothes out of my suitcase. Tears running down his face. Apologetic. He was broken. 

I remained stoic and strong.
Disengage.
It took 10 years to build up the courage and I was settled in my decision.

It wasn't even that the night before was the worst episode to ever occur. Not even close.
He'd jumped me many times before. Screaming. Possessed.
Held a power drill to my face threateningly. 


That was almost nothing compared to the quantity and severity of what I'd endured the previous ten years.

He had tackled me to the floor
Tried to "break my f**** arm" twisting it behind my back.
Thrown items at me. Garbage cans, slushies, blenders, chairs, picture frames, anything really...
Threw a heavy wooden chair down the stairs at me as I tried to escape.
He'd grab his gun, threaten to kill himself.(many times)
He set up secret cameras in our apartment to record me.
Mocked me for childhood abuse.
Made me believe no one liked me, they just felt bad for me, that's why they were my friends.
Got angry anytime I cried. Fist clenching angry.
Refused to comfort me. I mean adamantly refused. He never ever ever comforted me.  Under any circumstances.
Flushed my medications
Dumped me off on the side of the road because he thought I read a romance novel.
Picked at any little thing I did to try to "improve me".
Smashed windows, chairs, walls, ceilings, household appliances and items. In every apartment we ever lived in.
Never paid any bills, except his cell phone bill.
I could go on for hours...

The reason I finally got the strength to leave was because one thing kept popping up in my brain every time he was nasty.

10 years.

"10 years....I've tolerated, even enabled this, for 10 years..."

You see, the year before that would have been only 9 years of abuse.
And that just didn't have the same ring to it.
But 10 years?
An entire decade?
A third of my life....

So a cold February morning, something finally clicked.
And that was this...
Nothing I ever do will change him.

It doesn't matter if I act tough, or unaffected, or submissive, or overly loving and kind.
You know why??

His behavior was not a reaction to me.
It never was.
---------------


The way I was brought up was strict.
Divorce was absolutely not an option.
But under extreme violent circumstances, I could separate from him, for my safety.
But even then, I was not free to date or re-marry.
I had to remain married to him, in the eyes of God.

"Elyse, by you choosing to divorce Tim, you're telling God you don't trust that he can fix Tim."
A close friend said to me recently.
I could feel the heat in my neck, extending upward.
Anger.
It's not something that I feel often.
But for anyone to encourage me to go back to vicious, violent abuse, set me ablaze.

I of course smiled and thanked her for her input.
But realized at that point that no one can ever fully understand the extent of my experiences because they didn't witness anything first-hand.

My experiences to them were this distant, detached, story they were hearing second-hand.

And I told almost no one about the abuse until I had finally left.
People assumed we were happy and normal.
To say that people in my life were shocked would be the understatement of the decade.

Because a good Christian wife doesn't talk badly about her husband.

Tim finally admitted to the congregation elders everything he had done in ten years.
Everything.
Then he was disfellowshipped from the congregation.
He was cut off.
No communication allowed with anyone.
Indefinitely.
Not even family could communicate with him.
This was punishment.
He was cast out because of the severity of his abuse.

And in ten years I filed only one police report because it involved my little brother and parents.
-----------------------

The moment I decided I was moving to Rochester was liberating.
I needed a fresh start.
New friends.
A different perspective.
My mother hated it. Still does. She tells me often I need to come home.

I'm not going to.

Not because I don't love my family, but because I have a lot to prove to myself.
If I can get through 2006-2017 alive, I can get through anything.

And already I've dealt with heartbreak this year.
I've been cast aside.
Dealt with depression and uncertainty.

I guess that's bound to happen.

But I'm going to get through it.
And not crawl though it, exhausted and somber.

I'm going to thrive.
When you've gone through extreme hardship, you generally don't get wrapped up in minor problems.
They roll of your back.
You don't complain much.
Because you remember, it doesn't change anything.

You know what changes things?
Conscious effort to alter the way you think and ACTION.
Being proactive.

I met new people.
These people were different than me.
They were also very welcoming and kind.
Some I consider my closest friends.

I'm the only one in my family to have additional education, a career that keeps growing, the guts to move away, the backbone to question things and the balls to not accept the status quo.
I've always been the black sheep because I had a different childhood than my siblings.

I know what I have to offer.
And ten years of telling me I was useless didn't permanently dampen that. If anything, it lit a fire under me.

I wasted my twenties.
I'll never get them back.
I take solace in the priceless life lessons I choked on.
I'm going to live in my thirties. Really live, fully.
I've made that choice.
It's settled.

I'm going to say yes to things that scare me.
I'm going to say no to things that hurt me.
I'm going to say yes to myself.
I'm going to try new things.
I'm going to be 100% authentic
I'm not going to try to be a lover, but instead simply BE love.
I'm going to be someone I would want to be friends with
I'm going to be a good friend
I'm going to focus on myself but not be too self centered
I'm going to say no to my ego
I'm going to sit back and absorb.
I'm going to go to the movies by myself and travel by myself
I'm going to read books and study and write
I'm going to run and do Yoga more
I'm going to eat more whole foods
I'm going to play my guitar more
I'm going to do open mic night
I'm going to listen more and talk less
I'm going to be outside as much as humanly possible.
I'm going to be a part of something
I'm going to draw boundaries
I'm going to spend less
I'm going to stretch more
I'm going to finish my physical transformation
I'm going to love myself first.
I'm not going to cast my pearls before swine.
I'm going to accept people by their actions, not their words.
I'm going to build my tribe with intention.
I'm going to meditate more
I'm going to be mindful in my thoughts and where I allow them to go.
I'm going to make decisions with my heart and head equally.
I'm not going to give people endless opportunities to hurt me
I'm going to volunteer at a shelter
I'm going to ride my bike a lot
I'm going to walk barefoot in grass and sand
I'm going to be more helpful in the vegan community
I'm going to be on social media less
I'm going to widen my circle even more
I'm going to keep certain doors closed and others wide open


These are some of my intentions.
It has been recorded
So be it :D

Pictures from 2017

Loving Myself.

Disengage.
You're at the train station. It's coming to a stop. 
Get off of it.
Right now.

Sometimes showing love to yourself hurts really bad.
It doesn't feel like you're showing love to yourself.
It's painful.
It feels like being ripped in half.

This is what you need to do right now.
There needs to be healing all the way around.

Disengage.

There's no other option.