Beautiful Girl

To the beautiful girl who doesn't think she's beautiful.

Last night we were eating dinner. gnocchi and you said the only thing beautiful about you was your eye lashes.

And I see what's between and around them
And I'm confused.
Because what I see,
When I see you
Is light
Is intensity
Is softness and a longing to be seen.

To be seen
Is that not
The only thing,
Sometimes.

You are seen my friend
You touch everyone you pass
Fingers outstretched, wingspan wide
Tendrils of green flower stems pouring from your finger tips.

And although you're so obviously
So clearly beautiful
What lives beneath your shell
Is much more profound.

Because the flora flourishing within you
Vibrant and hearty
Is growing you into a being
So complex
So multi dimensional
So staggeringly radiant
It blinds those who are too weak to hold such a strong thing in their hands.

Yes. You are a lesson personified.
With every lesson you help others learn at your own painful, and selfless expense
Your stems get taller.
Sturdier in your roots
Your petals more eye catching

The weak ones see your resolve
And they tremble
Your face absorbing the sunlight
Converting it into energy
Flares escaping your eyes
And they don't understand
Because they've never seen sunlight like yours.

Beautiful girl
Grow your roots downward into the water
Because it's impossible to grow upward until we go down
Down into the earth
Dark, damp and at times destitute

But the more difficult it gets
The deeper we grow down
The more steadfast we become
Less likely to be plucked by a shallow rooter
Who only sucks up our nutrients until we're dried out, crisp.

When our fractal feet weave deeper into the soil as a result of those who couldn't be bothered to water you, you then chose to water yourself.
You found your own source of refreshment no longer at the feet of weeds, which only constrict and consume
But in your sunlight eyes and fresh water veins.

Beautiful girl
You needn't prove your worth to anyone
Not with petals that yellow
And roots that expansive

Those who really live within, not on top of, your radiance won't try and pick you from the earth
Rather
They'll observe your light
And absorb it
Thank you beautiful girl
For allowing me to absorb your light.

Kindness

It takes little thought to be angry
Only feverish feelings
A hot face
Scattered brain

To be kind means
Seeing from every perspective
Knowing that I don't know it all
Swallowing that I am wrong
Accepting the angles I've yet to observe

To be kind means
My hands are dirty
And I washed them in mud
I see the flaws and love more for them
Humanity is staggeringly beautiful

To be kind means
You're heavier
and I still pick you up
You're more anxious
So I become a decrescendo

To be kind means
I'll speak only of your light
Because I have dark too
And I know you already know your caves
Better than anyone ever could

To be kind means
Being proactively thoughtful
Brain cells vibrating with effort
Hospitality pouring from my fingers
An endless reserve

To be kind means
Not indulging your insecurities
Yet letting compassion flow
To blanket the pinpricks
And melt them away

To be kind means
You're much smarter than me
And I love you for it
Your talents illuminate me
Sunlight shining from your mouth

To be kind means
Being silent now
Because you need to heal
Extracting myself painfully
So you can focus on your growth

To be kind means
Letting go
Giving in
Stepping aside
And smiling anyway

To be kind means
Your roots are withering today
I fill the canister
And hydrate the parched parts
One leaf at a time

So tell which parts of you, you hate the most
So I know where to begin
Because it's inspiring to be able to lift yourself up
And even more so to ask for some help

You're the reason I smoke two packs a day!

This is a poem about friendship
And how It came to find me.
It's silly and makes me reminisce
You'll probably agree.

(Clears throat)

Summertime on a hammock.
A conversation about family and religion.
Who would've thought
that's how this began.

A red haired lady
New to town
Who on her own
was learning to stand.

Tight grip on my fingers
as we drove away from a party in the Fall
Pitied eyes and wet cheeks

Winter time panic attack
You come at midnight
With snacks, tea and comic relief

Sick as a dog
You're in my doorway
High quality tissues(with lotion!),
cookies, and conversations
about nothing.

You dance even though you don't dance
You do it, because you know I love it.

I once almost killed you
with expired salad dressing.
Sorry about that.

Human connection is the marrow of life.
Without it, the world feels more full of struggle and strife.

And you're a friendship that showed up
just in time to apply salve to wounds that would have resulted in monumental scars.

I try to repay your kindness
to make you laugh,
and calm your internal wars.

When on the tender one year mark
of me leaving my spouse
You show up
and take me out

When every Wednesday night at ten
I receive a text
where I feel whole again

When you send me a bouquet and tell me
"This is how a man should treat you.
Don't settle for less."

When you clean my toilet
Because I'm tired and mentioned
my bathroom was a mess.

Pink tie to match my dress.
Yelp review saying I'm the best.

Making me feel strong, even when you know I'm not.
Massive dark clouds hanging over my head, but I kind of forgot.

Deep interest in how I grew up.
Unedited talks when we want to give up.

Sitting on my bed watching baking shows and playing cards.
You can simply look at me now and know if my day was hard.

Showing up to watch as I read my poem.
Constantly reminding me, I'm not alone.

Long Island accents and walking for miles.
Supporting my work when I'm exhausted and feel like a good cry.

You're literally incapable of being mean
Rude, inconsiderate, aloof or obscene

Hands down the most thoughtful and organized human I know.
You want to make the world better
You don't just talk about it
You take steps to do so.

There's never been anyone who cared like you care
Where when I need a friend, you'll be right there.

I hope I do enough to reciprocate the love
And that I don't fall short in lifting you up

You deserve every good thing this world has to offer
Kindness, goodness, love and wonder.

I know this poem is cheesy
But I can't help but cry as I write it

You'll understand because you're soft like me.
You're soft, sensitive and quiet

Some people don't get it
they don't understand
That you can be gentle
Shed tears
And be a man.

The rhyming in this poem is awful
The timing is off too
But you'll probably say it's great
Because you're you

Thank you Connell
Or should I say, Tony
Sheila is grateful too
(But she also thinks you're good for nothing).

Our friendship is much better quality
 than this poem,
Thank goodness for that
And it's humorous tone.

:)

The End.

Bricks

Do you ever miss yourself?
The person you were before the puncture.
When it dawned on you.
The realization that life is going to, at times, beckon you with smooth hands and deliver a bucket of dirt.

Dark brown and full of worms.
There's that saying, "they tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds." A picture painted of wild, blooming beings.
A lovely sentiment, but the earth is heavy. Crushing, at times.

Do you remember that feeling of the first?
The euphoria.
And now they ask me "who do you love?"
I pause.
The ability to differentiate my intuition guiding me and my past trauma misleading me is one I haven't yet mastered.

But I'm not here to prove myself to anyone.
Where I will say all the things that tickle your ears
And do what's pleasing in your eyes
As much as I desire to make all those I touch in my life happy, I find it's easier to carve a sculpture out of onyx.
It takes less effort to blow up a car tire with my breath.

The measurement of happiness is a spectrum too obtuse and disillusioned to make sense in reality.
It ebbs and flows from one person to the next, guided by a compass that's been crushed by the feet of those who cared too little to notice the damage in their wake.
That pill is still stuck in my throat.

On the other side of that, I'm learning not everyone has the best intentions for me.
Some call loneliness, love.
I exist to fill the gaps for them.
My softness molded into their needs.
My skin, a warm place to sleep
My hair, a bed of live tendrils to awaken their senses

But it only burns when sunblock isn't applied
No barrier between you and the intensity

It only wrecks you when you take off your protective gear.
The collision catapults you to the asphalt, scraping your softness

It only breaks the bone when you leap from that height.

So why do it?

You might call me jaded, but I call me a healthy skeptic.
I only have so many layers of skin
And so many bones in my body
They heal, but there's a scar.
shiny and textured.

And when the time and place and person is right, I'd like to present myself as a human, with some unflawed parts left.
Places where no whips have stung
And no burns have scalded.
Where they're not simply water falling through my broken fingers.

And so with every scale that falls from my eyes, a brick goes up.
Not in anger. 
In acceptance.

A small smile on my lips as I construct my beautiful brick wall.
The mortar a dense mixture of lessons and resignation.

I plant lilies at the base.

And when you catch yourself smiling at a memory you've yet to make-
Then there's still hope.
Honor the space between "no more" and "not yet"
Remind yourself of the time it was easy to breathe.

You were the bearer of heartbreak
But look at what I've built because of you.

Spring time intentions

When the plump fractals of stems braid into one another.
When they then lose their moisture, heaving, crisp. The badly timed season.
Only to once again rehydrate and renew- come time.
Then we can watch.
Wait.
Multitudes of dewdrops absorbed.
None shaken off.
Observe the growth with patience.
Tenderly.
Ribs vibrating in peace.
Mouth upturned and eyes closed.
Observe from afar
Then up close, if prudent

Seasons shift
But they do not really change
Do they.

Today I forgive myself for not being enough.
And the winter forgives itself for not being the spring.

Two.

Call me by your name

Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. 
Most of us can't help but live as though we've got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then there are all those versions in between.
   But there's only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. 
Right now there's sorrow. I don't envy the pain. But I envy you the pain.

if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don't snuff it out, don't be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we'd want to be forgotten is no better. 
       We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste.

We are not written for one instrument alone; I am not, neither are you. Everyone goes through a period of Traviamento - when we take, say, a different turn in life, the other via. 
      Dante himself did. Some recover, some pretend to recover, some never come back, some chicken out before even starting, and some, for fear of taking any turns, find themselves leading the wrong life all life long.
      Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.
     We're on borrowed time, and time is always borrowed, and the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more...

6 months living in Rochester...

You deserve love that makes you feel free
To see yourself in them,
not just be their remedy.
You deserve a soft place to land
You deserve consistency.

You deserve a safe space to feel sorrow
Where editing never takes place
But this is nothing new
You've heard this wind before
And you've heard it change to a deep roar

You deserve to get back equally what you give
A balance of heart
Where you don't cower or submit.
Where your vulnerability is safe
Because it's precious
A fragile waif

You deserve the same tenderness you offer up
One you've never known
Because you're easily drawn into the storm.
A cyclone so confusing
Is this love, control, or something unknown?

You deserve to love yourself with intensity
To recoil against that which causes you pain
Because you're as vibrant as the sun
And as gentle as the dew
Your peace coats the blades of grass
It refreshes and it renews.

You deserve to exit as safely as you entered
We began with honesty.
Let us end with it too.
To not look for healing
From the one 
who broke you

When was the last time you went to sleep smiling
And woke up wearing one too.
When was the last time your heart felt protected
Where it was safe to feel freely
Where it didn't need reassurance
Because you knew.

So it's best to sometimes love in silence
Because isn't it ironic
We cast aside those who adore us, 
Adore those who ignore us, 
Hurt those who love us, 
And love those who hurt us.

One year ago...

Dear Elyse,
    Happy one year anniversary of the best decision you ever made.
-love Elyse

ho·me·o·sta·sis

ˌhōmēəˈstāsəs/

noun

1. the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes.

I've pondered a lot about certain choices I've made in my life and if there was any pattern to them in an attempt to make sense of it all.

How did I get to the point in life that I'm at right now?

This...unsettled, excitingly unknown space I find myself in...

We're all shaped by our life experience.

From our parents behaviors, to morality and ethics thrust upon us as children, to genetics, to the influence of our peers.

Every one of these things, and more, shape who we are to become as adults.

Guilt, shame, vulnerability, fragility, strength, drive, empathy, fierceness...

Which of these would encapsulate you? If you could pick any 2 to describe yourself.

Could you pick 2 of the exact opposites? Ultimately, we're all paradoxical beings...

While changing bad habits is difficult, changing negative or debilitating personality traits can be downright overwhelming. Even attempting to slightly refine ourselves can prove difficult.

Once we've reached adulthood, our inner being has already began cementing itself.

We could read every Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chödrön and Brene Brown book that exists. Listen to every one of Oprah's SuperSoul podcasts. We could read the Bible, Qur'an, Book of Mormon, whatever might interest you...

And not one single modicum of it will matter, if you don't make practical, consistent application.

Reading Thich Naht Hanh, has not made me wiser.

And it won't, until I actually absorb and apply and let it reach my heart.

We can parrot back the things we read. But that means nothing.
We can speak with conviction, firm fists clenched and chin up.
But the words prick the surface, not the spirit.

I always viewed myself as a strong human.

I endured an excruciatingly difficult childhood, unbeknownst to my loving parents. I made it through, relatively unscathed... I had thought.

A major result of challenges early on, I eventually came to realize, was my choice of a spouse, which I endured for over a decade. 

During the exceptionally difficult times I'd wonder not only why I chose this person, but why I allowed, even enabled it.

I'd analyze to such an extent that I'm surprised I didn't go mad trying to make sense of it all.

Because there wasn't sense to be made.
Cue life lesson #872

Once I gained the strength and confidence to leave, I felt a pull to go all the way!

Start fresh.

 I'll move to a completely new city, where I know no one. Not one single person.

I'll quit my incredibly stable job I love so much with people that have grown to be family.

I'll leave all the friend's I've ever known, who lived no more than 2 blocks away from me. People I've known since I was in diapers.

I'll, with deliberate intention, lovingly create space between myself and those who've caused me harm.

I'll open my mind to new ways of thinking.

Cue the existential crisis and life lesson #873  Woohoo!

I thought I was strong.

I thought I was smart enough to make good choices and create boundaries when needed.

I thought I loved myself enough to not be absorbed into unstable situations.

I've never been so humbled.in my life.

I've easily eaten at least 14 (vegan) humble pies in the 6 months I've lived in Rochester. (That's why I started running on the treadmill)

They're sickening sweet. They've made me double over, heaving.  And there's more baking in the oven. I'm sure of it!

As it turns out, completely changing every single aspect of my life, from relationships, to jobs, to physical location, to a complete overhaul mentally, did not create an environment where I remained this emotional pillar of strength and reason!  Go figure!

Almost immediately after moving up here, I made a choice to recognize people who bore qualities I wanted to surround myself with.

Mindfulness. Empathy. Kindness. Compassion for all living beings.

I put myself out there and reached out to some, with nervousness and hesitation.

Two people specifically come to mind.

Both have introduced me to other like minded individuals.

Both I love whole-heartedly.

I'm so glad I did because the caliber of humans I've met has far exceeded my hopes.

I don't even feel deserving of some of the friendships I've established. 

I've cultivated incredible closeness with individuals who are enduring their own struggles as well. Deep, gut wrenching struggles.

Hands in the air. Knees on the ground. Mouth agape. They absorb the shrapnel wielded by the storm, wincing, because that's all they've known.
And I get it.

Which brings me back to this idea of homeostasis.

Homeostasis is our default.

We always slip back into our normal.

What If our comfort is uncomfortable?

What If life has conditioned us to settle into and reach for feelings that others might deliberately avoid?

I relate to individuals with tender fragility. The empaths.

They're fragile because they've experienced hardship, like me. There's camaraderie and understanding.

It's said that love is seeing yourself in someone else.

Those were the exact words said to me by one of the first people I met up here.

And to turn away from such ones would be to ignore my own humanity.

There's constant dynamic tension between homeostasis and change.
Negative feedback loops and positive ones.
And we have to find that critical balance or else we change radically, some may argue, inauthentically, or we remain stagnant.

Homeostasis gives the sense of stability. Even if our "normal" is emotional chaos.

 I know others whose default is one built with sturdy walls.
They see, or hear one things they dislike about another person our situation and immediately draw a line.
They make a judgement call based on the information they're given, whether it's based on fact or not, and create a boundary immediately.

These people have the ability to cut others out of their life, like it's their job. They block them. Make deliberate actions to sever all contact and they feel good about it.
It's not necessarily done in anger, but as a way to protect their bubble that they've carefully constructed.
They won't even allow certain conversation in their presence.

Everyone is different.

There's people who are soft and tender.
They have a constant, overwhelming tugging to help others regardless of how it might affect them. They can't draw lines. They don't protect themselves from harmful people. They almost beg to be a punching bag. It feels good.
They feel every feeling from every perspective in every circumstance.

Where is the balance?
Does it exist or is it an illusion?
Or is it a paradox?

I suppose balance differs with every individual and since it cannot be measured, it cannot ever be fully grasped.
Only felt.

I hope to feel it one day.
I sense its closeness.
With a conscious understanding and acceptance of life's peaks and valleys.
Because peace simply means accepting life's uncertainties.
Accepting the rough edges with the smooth.
Knowing that you cannot numb the bad without numbing some good.
So honor all feelings. See them, and let them pass.
Practice boundaried vulnerability.
Practice courageous surrender
Practice humble strength
Be the sky, not the clouds.

It's been one year since I walked away from a man who loved me with his whole heart. But that love wasn't enough to squash the monster inside of him.

Even now I cannot judge him.
Because he wanted to be different. He tried so hard.

But I've learned this year that it's okay to live for myself.
It's okay to put my needs and safety first.
It's ok to make mistakes and be completely vulnerable.
And there's really good people here on the outside who love me for me.
And I love them too.

Love is a funny thing.
You can't grab a measuring stick and study it.
You can't even really define it.
There's so many variations of it.

But it's the strongest pull in the universe.
An intangible gravitational field.
Some stay far beyond reach of this unpredictable and somewhat terrifying area.
Some sprint towards it.

Maybe it's best if we do neither.
Maybe we shouldn't have the goal of being a "lover".
Maybe we should simply be love.
Rest in love.
Let whatever course lay its natural path.

Where there's no pressure, or expectation.
There's just this soft place of understanding.

We don't know the end of our story.
Isn't that exciting?
.
:)

Feel the feelings...

I have a habit of repressing and repressing and repressing feelings to get by.

I've done it for as long as I can remember.
I had to.

So this idea of fully feeling in an effort to heal, is a new one to me.

In the past few months I've endured every spectrum of emotions I think a human can experience.

Fear, happiness, love, devastation, uncertainty...
The positive emotions I cling to with every ounce of strength I have.
When they appear, I have no problems accepting them.
I embrace and welcome them.

When the negative feelings come, I do everything imaginable to ignore them.
I fail miserably often times.
From a single tear to body wracking sobs, I've felt it all in the past months.

When I attempt to repress, I instead feel nausea.
Unsettledness.
This overwhelming, all consuming, internal discomfort that touches everything.
And to cloak that, I find myself being so busy I run myself ragged.

Days off of work are the scariest.

For instance, my day yesterday consisted of breakfast with a friend, lunch with a friend, visiting another friend at the bakery she works at, working out, then going to another friend's house at night. I was going going going.
I didn't have a single second to reflect on anything.
Really reflect.

On a normal work day, I'll work until 6/7, then always have something planned afterward.
It's usually working out, or getting food, or going to band practice until 1 am.

I've been eating out so much with people, I added together what I spent this last month and it was more than my rent!
It was astronomical!

Something has to be adjusted.

Because I'm burning myself out.

Even now, I'm itching to go the gym, because the physical pain of working out takes over and dampens the emotional pain.
And I've endured so much emotional pain that past months that I simply can't endure any more.
I'm at my limit.
I can feel that limit, like a cold steel barricade.

So I'm sitting with pain and uncertainty.
I'm telling myself they don't define me.
I'm the sky. The emotions are the clouds.
And one day soon, they'll pass.
They'll pass because I don't fight them.
I accept and appreciate them, because they're validated.

The emotional pain I'm feeling is validated.
100%
I'm not shirking any responsibility in the part that I played in it.
It's my fault.
I've spent months acting completely on heart based decisions.
I've ignored what my logic has screamed at me.
I've mocked my logic.
What does it know?
I've defended and justified and had so many internal soliloquy's.
I can make my decision work.
Can't I?

Or is it rather, I want so badly for my decisions to pan out.
I want so badly to have everything my heart is screaming for.
Ignore any possible consequences.

But I have to trust the process.

I have to LET things happen, without interference.

Be comfortable with not knowing.

It's so difficult. When I'm so emotionally invested but can't act on those feelings.

So I sit here.
In the quiet.
If I have to cry, that's okay.
If I need to talk it, it's best at that point to write.
Keep what's happened contained the best I can.
I don't need to spread around what's happened so that I have others to indulge in me with my feelings.
Be respectful to all parties involved to the best of my ability.
Have some integrity.
Be mature about it.
It's a constant refining and growing and I'm not perfect.
Not even close.

Most important, feel the feelings.
Once the emotional process had taken place, learn to be ok in that place.

I moved away to be far from a person in my life who caused extreme heartache for over a decade.

I've learned from that.
So listen to your head Elyse.
In the bible it says, the "heart is treacherous, who can know it?"

The heart has the best intentions and it wants the absolute best for us.
But it's tender and vulnerable and has tunnel vision.

So recognize its place, feel the feelings, don't fight them, and respect them.

Weight loss pep talk!

Reflection on my weight journey...

"You look like a hippo"
Those were the words my older brother said to me as he  looked over my shoulder at pictures my sister and I had taken.
I was fifteen and I bought a new outfit with my own money from my very first job at McDonald's. I still remember, it was a hot pink halter top. My mother would never let me wear it in public.
My sister and I then put on makeup and did a fun little Photoshoot with my parents digital camera.
I was feeling very cute.
My sister said I looked pretty, despite being "softer".
My mom described me as husky.
I was always overweight.
Yikes! That picture!!

His words hurt a lot. Obviously. I was young and impressionable and I already was very insecure. 
My sister was and still is beautiful.  Blonde hair, green eyes, thin. I mean seriously! Look at her! Life has not been fair to me! Lol

After he called me that name, something in me snapped. I was tired of being the chubby one in school. When everyone else was 105 lbs in middle school, I was about 30 lbs heavier.
So he inflamed my insecurity to the extreme. That night was the first night I purged.

From then on, I did it regularly.

I went from 175 lbs to 129 lbs within a few months. I'm over 5'8

When I look back on those days, I feel sad. Because I put so much emphasis on how I looked.
Something so unimportant.
There was no thought to my overall health.
When you're young these days, there's so much pressure to fit into a certain mold. I was barely overweight but I was so uncomfortable in my body.
I didn't have body dysmorphia, but I was definitely over critical of myself.
Aren't we all?
Purging had side effects though.
Sores on the corners of my mouth and fingers from stomach acid.
It was just a hassle when eating out.
I'd emerge from the bathroom with watery eyes and get looks from people. I was able to do it silently. But I'm pretty sure it was obvious what was happening.

I eventually got sick and tired of it.
So I just decided to stop eating.
I would eat 5 crackers and half a slim fast bar everyday.
That sounds so insane when I type that out!
When my stomach growled, I'd be euphoric!
Look at my self control!
At dinner I might eat a little of the corn on the side of the meal.
Maybe some green beans. No butter. A little salt.
My father threatened to have me hooked up to a feeding tube.
I remember my mom coming in my room one night. I was sitting at my vanity my sister and I shared.
"You know, I think you look good. I don't think you need to lose more weight." She said. I could tell she was getting worried.
My hip bones and clavicle were jutting out quite a bit.


Literally everyone commented on how wonderful I looked. They didn't know how much that fueled my fire. It was the ultimate motivation.

The under-eating eventually ended when I meet my first boyfriend at 17 and he made me feel beautiful and happy. So I relaxed with my eating habits.

After I got married and endured serious struggles I developed a new eating disorder of sorts.
I gained 185 lbs.
I'll repeat that.
I gained 185 lbs!
In a matter of maybe 5 years.

I was pre-diabetic
I had obstructive sleep apnea. I slept with a c-pap
Plantar fasciitis. Cortisone shots in my heel.
Knee pain unlike anything... Horrible. I couldn't walk down stairs straight. I had to do it sideways because it bent my knees less.
I was morbidly obese by my early 20's.
Being morbidly obese is so painful.

I hated it hated it hated it.
I tried what felt like everything.
Every diet. Atkins, Weight Watchers, Keto, I actually lost 60 lbs on candida diet. 
I'd lose 30 lbs, 60 lbs, 80 lbs, and gain it all back plus some.
I couldn't really work out because it hurt too much.
I made a video to myself, talking about how much being obese sucks.
I haven't watched it in a long time.
But I remember some of what's in it.
"Elyse, you can barely tie your shoes."
...it's hard to watch.

I became vegetarian in 2014 after seeing a Freelee YouTube video and began educating myself. That began to change my entire outlook on things.

I still didn't lose weight though.
My employee's mother had weight loss surgery and that planted a seed. July 2015, after a year of preparation, I had weight loss surgery.
It took 3 weeks to recover. 2 weeks of a liquid diet.
Even then the weight came off very slowly.
After I didn't lose a lot of weight initially, I decided to go for it and went entirely vegan.
After watching Freelee the Banana Girl, Hot for Food, Forks Over Knives, etc... It was a done deal.

When I went vegan, a couple months after the surgery the weight finally began FALLING OFF.
I was one of those that went vegan initially for health.
I've stayed vegan for ethics.
After watching Earthlings there was no going back!



I felt amazing. It was like a new world was opening up to me.
I was buoyant.
I could walk without tiring out.
I could eventually shop at stores that weren't for plus sizes.
Talk about feeling euphoric.
Nothing could properly describe losing that first 75 to 100 lbs.
I felt like I could literally do anything.

My first year I lost 126 lbs.
I lost another 30ish the following 6 months.
I am in the healthy weight range now.
My bmi is 23.
And it's funny... The less I weigh, the more I realize that it's not as important as I thought.
Of course health is so important.
And the severe heart condition in my family needs attention.
But, I'm not necessarily happier because I'm smaller.
I'm happier because I'm taking advantage of my weight loss.
I'm doing things I'd never do before.
Like yoga on the ropes! Or joining a gym! Or bike!

I'm using my new found confidence to be more social.
I'm so much more active now! The endorphins from that alone, are a gift.
When I'm sad or frustrated, I can go for a run and purge emotion.

On a deeper level, losing my weight gave me the strength and confidence to leave a decade long abusive relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I would have done that, had I not lost the weight...
I had the confidence to move to Rochester, knowing not a single person up here.
I had started a new job and on top of that finally became a National Educator for John Paul Mitchell Systems.
All of these things were terrifying! But I did them! I'm really proud of that!

Of course opening myself up allowed for some negative experiences too. But such is life.
And without suffering there'd be no compassion.
Without being obese I'd never appreciate being healthy as much I do now.
Without living In the same place my whole life I'd never really appreciate my new city.
Without being around the same people my whole life, I'd never appreciate my new friends.

I'm grateful, so grateful, for my smaller body and my growing mind:)
Progress pictures:)

2018 Intentions

I've been mentally compiling a list of goals or intentions for 2018.

2017 was bar none, one of the most gut wrenching years of my life.
It was also, bar none, one of the most liberating years of my life.

I had been with one person, since I was 17 years old.
I had evolved from a child to an adult, to fit the needs of this one person who harbored demons to such an extent, that he was constantly battling angry, over critical and violent tendencies.

After 10 years of marriage, I made the final, conscious decision to disengage.

The morning of February 14th, after yet another physically violent outburst the night before, I grabbed my big, dark blue suitcase, the same one I got as a wedding present, and started packing some clothes and toiletries to go to my parents. My wrist had speckles of bruises from his fingers.

Halfway through, he came in the room and tried taking the clothes out of my suitcase. Tears running down his face. Apologetic. He was broken. 

I remained stoic and strong.
Disengage.
It took 10 years to build up the courage and I was settled in my decision.

It wasn't even that the night before was the worst episode to ever occur. Not even close.
He'd jumped me many times before. Screaming. Possessed.
Held a power drill to my face threateningly. 


That was almost nothing compared to the quantity and severity of what I'd endured the previous ten years.

He had tackled me to the floor
Tried to "break my f**** arm" twisting it behind my back.
Thrown items at me. Garbage cans, slushies, blenders, chairs, picture frames, anything really...
Threw a heavy wooden chair down the stairs at me as I tried to escape.
He'd grab his gun, threaten to kill himself.(many times)
He set up secret cameras in our apartment to record me.
Mocked me for childhood abuse.
Made me believe no one liked me, they just felt bad for me, that's why they were my friends.
Got angry anytime I cried. Fist clenching angry.
Refused to comfort me. I mean adamantly refused. He never ever ever comforted me.  Under any circumstances.
Flushed my medications
Dumped me off on the side of the road because he thought I read a romance novel.
Picked at any little thing I did to try to "improve me".
Smashed windows, chairs, walls, ceilings, household appliances and items. In every apartment we ever lived in.
Never paid any bills, except his cell phone bill.
I could go on for hours...

The reason I finally got the strength to leave was because one thing kept popping up in my brain every time he was nasty.

10 years.

"10 years....I've tolerated, even enabled this, for 10 years..."

You see, the year before that would have been only 9 years of abuse.
And that just didn't have the same ring to it.
But 10 years?
An entire decade?
A third of my life....

So a cold February morning, something finally clicked.
And that was this...
Nothing I ever do will change him.

It doesn't matter if I act tough, or unaffected, or submissive, or overly loving and kind.
You know why??

His behavior was not a reaction to me.
It never was.
---------------


The way I was brought up was strict.
Divorce was absolutely not an option.
But under extreme violent circumstances, I could separate from him, for my safety.
But even then, I was not free to date or re-marry.
I had to remain married to him, in the eyes of God.

"Elyse, by you choosing to divorce Tim, you're telling God you don't trust that he can fix Tim."
A close friend said to me recently.
I could feel the heat in my neck, extending upward.
Anger.
It's not something that I feel often.
But for anyone to encourage me to go back to vicious, violent abuse, set me ablaze.

I of course smiled and thanked her for her input.
But realized at that point that no one can ever fully understand the extent of my experiences because they didn't witness anything first-hand.

My experiences to them were this distant, detached, story they were hearing second-hand.

And I told almost no one about the abuse until I had finally left.
People assumed we were happy and normal.
To say that people in my life were shocked would be the understatement of the decade.

Because a good Christian wife doesn't talk badly about her husband.

Tim finally admitted to the congregation elders everything he had done in ten years.
Everything.
Then he was disfellowshipped from the congregation.
He was cut off.
No communication allowed with anyone.
Indefinitely.
Not even family could communicate with him.
This was punishment.
He was cast out because of the severity of his abuse.

And in ten years I filed only one police report because it involved my little brother and parents.
-----------------------

The moment I decided I was moving to Rochester was liberating.
I needed a fresh start.
New friends.
A different perspective.
My mother hated it. Still does. She tells me often I need to come home.

I'm not going to.

Not because I don't love my family, but because I have a lot to prove to myself.
If I can get through 2006-2017 alive, I can get through anything.

And already I've dealt with heartbreak this year.
I've been cast aside.
Dealt with depression and uncertainty.

I guess that's bound to happen.

But I'm going to get through it.
And not crawl though it, exhausted and somber.

I'm going to thrive.
When you've gone through extreme hardship, you generally don't get wrapped up in minor problems.
They roll of your back.
You don't complain much.
Because you remember, it doesn't change anything.

You know what changes things?
Conscious effort to alter the way you think and ACTION.
Being proactive.

I met new people.
These people were different than me.
They were also very welcoming and kind.
Some I consider my closest friends.

I'm the only one in my family to have additional education, a career that keeps growing, the guts to move away, the backbone to question things and the balls to not accept the status quo.
I've always been the black sheep because I had a different childhood than my siblings.

I know what I have to offer.
And ten years of telling me I was useless didn't permanently dampen that. If anything, it lit a fire under me.

I wasted my twenties.
I'll never get them back.
I take solace in the priceless life lessons I choked on.
I'm going to live in my thirties. Really live, fully.
I've made that choice.
It's settled.

I'm going to say yes to things that scare me.
I'm going to say no to things that hurt me.
I'm going to say yes to myself.
I'm going to try new things.
I'm going to be 100% authentic
I'm not going to try to be a lover, but instead simply BE love.
I'm going to be someone I would want to be friends with
I'm going to be a good friend
I'm going to focus on myself but not be too self centered
I'm going to say no to my ego
I'm going to sit back and absorb.
I'm going to go to the movies by myself and travel by myself
I'm going to read books and study and write
I'm going to run and do Yoga more
I'm going to eat more whole foods
I'm going to play my guitar more
I'm going to do open mic night
I'm going to listen more and talk less
I'm going to be outside as much as humanly possible.
I'm going to be a part of something
I'm going to draw boundaries
I'm going to spend less
I'm going to stretch more
I'm going to finish my physical transformation
I'm going to love myself first.
I'm not going to cast my pearls before swine.
I'm going to accept people by their actions, not their words.
I'm going to build my tribe with intention.
I'm going to meditate more
I'm going to be mindful in my thoughts and where I allow them to go.
I'm going to make decisions with my heart and head equally.
I'm not going to give people endless opportunities to hurt me
I'm going to volunteer at a shelter
I'm going to ride my bike a lot
I'm going to walk barefoot in grass and sand
I'm going to be more helpful in the vegan community
I'm going to be on social media less
I'm going to widen my circle even more
I'm going to keep certain doors closed and others wide open


These are some of my intentions.
It has been recorded
So be it :D

Pictures from 2017

Loving Myself.

Disengage.
You're at the train station. It's coming to a stop. 
Get off of it.
Right now.

Sometimes showing love to yourself hurts really bad.
It doesn't feel like you're showing love to yourself.
It's painful.
It feels like being ripped in half.

This is what you need to do right now.
There needs to be healing all the way around.

Disengage.

There's no other option.