Margarine

I think i'm hardening.
Not like a rock.
More like an old, flakey plastic toy.
Kind of crinkled and dent.
With every heart held in my hands
Ability lost to tolerate
Imbalance

I think hardening means
Advocating for myself
Finally.
All it took was trauma
No big deal.

I think trauma makes me better.

How intense is that?
We'll only be kind to ourselves
After we've felt enough stabs from those we've loved and trusted
After enough volatile storms
Where were question it all.

Even better if you're real young when the trauma begins.

Die a little and then you can live
And breathe freely.
You can't skip the dying part
However.

Is it me or are the most balanced people
Those who've experienced the most imbalance?
Is it me or do those who love the hardest
Come from a hole where they only felt apathy.
I can't be the only one who has noticed compassion dripping from the eyes of those who haven't felt it themselves
And none from those who have been saturated with it.

Yes im describing empathy.
But you can't really use words to describe anything.
Says the ironic poet.

Words are just letters.
Letters are just lines.
Lines are what we're given by the insincere.
My what pretty words you have there
Mind if I eat them entirely?

Oops I might be sick.
I'm doing whole30
And i'm pretty sure those words were over processed.
That fine line between just real enough to digest,  but like a molecule away from plastic.

Margarine rhetoric.

I have to believe everyone is doing their best.
Myself included.
Sometimes I think it'd be so much easier to hate.
Until hate creeps in
And sucks my soul out.

I don't want to hate.
I'd rather hug.
Elyse,  control your inner hipster!
Oh no she's coming out
I can smell the patchouli.
Don't move
She's here.

Everyone is our beloved.
I am oneness
If I was in their level of consciousness
And had their experiences.
I would behave the same way.

Grunts*

Ok she's gone.

What was I saying?

I'll take a bourbon double.

I can't believe you ate that entire package of bologna! We're out of bologna now!

You can make me happy.
No you can make me happy
No.... that one over there.
Leaning against the wall.
Unaffected and nonchalant

I bet you could do it.

Yeah I know that I am co dependent
But what else am I supposed to do?
Be lonely?

Listen, I'm a needful entity looking to lock in!
I find happiness in the form of others
... yeah others change
They change from one person to another...
...or they evolve within themselves...
But don't!
You stay right here!

Because I NEED you.

This relationship is my vehicle
My vehicle to happiness and Oneness.
So I DEMAND you stay the same
My perfect little statue man.
Or else I cannot be happy.
I. will. collapse onto myself like mudslide
Choking


And if you change,  and this relationship fails
Well that's YOUR fault.
Not mine....

What's
What's the screeching sound?

Sounds like a  table turning...

Are you saying your happiness depends on me?
This boulder is getting heavy!
And there's next to no sunlight down here.
You can't put that kind of pressure on me
There's clearly something wrong with you
You need a therapist.
And stop eating all the bologna you insatiable deli boy!
*looks for the exit*


Why do we want to be in relationships
Could it be the drama
The storylines
Our ego?

What can two bodies do but rub against the other?

Meet my new friends,  Alan, Eckhart, Pema, Ram, and Wayne.  Let's throw Brene in their too.

They say I don't ever need anyone or anything.
Everything I could ever need
Is already in me.
They say that when we use someone else
As a vehicle to happiness
It creates inside of us possession.
Fear.  Grasping

They're full of feces.

But I guess i'll keep reading about this....

They say that I don't need another person to be in love.
Everyone is my beloved.
I am already resting in a place of love.
There's nothing anyone can do to change that.

This idea of loving without attachment
How is this possible?
I want someone attached to me
Don't i?

Rihanna says "no matter what I do i'm no good without you"
Lady Gaga says "I want your drama... I want your psycho, your vertical schtick"
Foreigner says,  " I wanna know what love is and I want YOU to show me"
Bryan Adam's says  " you know it's true....EVERYTHING I do,  I do it for you. "

Really? EVERYTHING you do,  you do it for me?
EVERYTHING?

You know,  THESE sound crazier than loving without attachment.
THESE ideas have been drilled into  our psyche for as long as we understood language.

The first time I saw my mother crying because she's never been happy with my father. Never.
"Why don't you leave then?" I asked as I picked my nose,  eating my bologna sandwich.
"You don't just leave if your unhappy!"

It took me 30 years to understand .
When we don't NEED another person to feel love... happiness..... it's ONLY at this point can we share that love with another person without fear.
Without grasping.

You know that saying  when you love something,  you set it free?......

THAT'S dumb.
But it's true.
I call that DUMB TRUTH.

Baby i'm NOTHING without you.
Baby,  I need you.

No you don't.
What a relief for us all.
Give me a call when you learn to love yourself unconditionally.