Consequences of Upbringing

How can being raised in an environment of uncertainty, irrational behavior, unreasonable reactions and abuse, shape us?

How does this affect our choice of partner?

In my inconsistent, decade long, flighty, caffeine-fueled research, I came across 5 points that stuck out to me. They resonated with me in that either I've experienced these or witnessed these behaviors in other survivors of abuse.

1. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
2. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
3. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
4. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
5. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

People who've experienced any form of abuse it seems either become overly empathetic individuals or very callused, and "black and white", in their thinking.

There's danger in both. The first was covered in the initial blog. Overly empathetic, to the point of detriment.

The latter, is equally as dangerous and at it's very best, will cause us to ostracize well meaning people in our life. Shutting down.

callous

[kal-uh s]

adjective

1. made hard; hardened.
2. insensitive; indifferent; unsympathetic:They have a callous attitude toward the sufferings of others.

As a physical callous hardens overtime with repeated force- so does a person's psyche. 

When you've been hurt enough in your life, human nature dictates that we protect our self.

This can close us off to loving, meaningful relationships. 

It also protects us from volatile, emotional knock down-drag out, gut-wrenching, dagger in the chest, "I just want to die", pain. 

Do we HAVE to pick from those two choices?
Are our only realistic choices to be walled off emotionally from people, desolate and unattached,  or so vulnerable, it's as if we're in a crowded room of flu patients with an immune deficiency?
"Feel free to cough directly into my mouth!"

When the majority of your life has been picking up the pieces from some form of abuse, sometimes that's how it feels.
Would you prefer terrible or horrible?

I tend to believe hardened apathy is a more common response to being hurt than that of becoming more empathetic, vulnerable and tender.

However for some unknown reason, I've become MUCH more tender hearted with each passing difficulty. (Despite the sarcastic, humor-laden outer shell)
I cannot see an elderly person walking on the street, struggling with each harrowing step, no one to assist, longing for a past filled with cart-wheels and sprinting, and NOT get welled up with emotion.
I also cannot hear a story of someone's negative past, whether it be an alcoholic mother, child abuse, caustic marriage, or anxiety ridden depression, and not instantly want to scoop up said individual and rock them in my arms until their anguish subsides.
Whether they're a friend or an absolute stranger.

I truly believe a chest to chest, heart to heart, embrace, could fix the majority of the world's social dilemmas.
-Sincerely,
        Naivete

I sometimes, however, wish for the alternative mindset.
One where I could shut it off.
Not care.
Where I could observe the world though a Morphine haze. Unaffected.
Watching but not seeing.

Yet I cherish the relationships I've been able to cultivate due to my softer nature.

One thing I've noticed in myself is being drawn to to those who have been victims.

I have a hard time relating to people who appear to have had relatively "easy" up-bringings or lives.

That comes across as incredibly egoic. 

I'm a work in progress ;)

But, how could such ones possibly relate to me? Or understand my struggles?  How could someone who has lived a very vanilla, standard life, ultimately become close enough to me to where we could share a mutually beneficial emotional relationship?

Whether platonic or romantic or even familial.

I simply struggle to maintain a "surface" relationship.

I crave relationships that will enrich my life and refine me. Challenge me. Cause me to become introspective and productive.

Am I looking at something the wrong way?

Tell me.

Am I down-playing a situation again?

Tell me.

Am I being too critical or acting like a subservient floor mat again?

Please be a good friend and don't indulge my whims.

Help refine me.
 I'll take sincere advice without getting defensive, I'll mull it over. I've never been reactionary. I react after I've thought things through.
Generally.

A relationship that lacks these core ideals will simply wither. Not because I do not respect the other party involved, but because I won't feel a real connection.

I need a chest to chest connection, whether you're a friend, or romantic partner.

And when I ask you "So what are your hopes and dreams", dismissively with a laugh, I'm hoping you'll actually open up and tell me.

When I make sincere eye contact as you speak from the heart, it's because I'm actually listening to you.

And when I open up to you, it's because I trust you'll use that information in a kind, productive way.

"We can only understand another person when are able to truly listen to them. When we can listen to others we can understand their pain and difficulties. Listening deeply to another is a form of meditation."
-Thich Nhat Hanh