Balance in Empathy

Empathy.

The most important and the most under- utilized trait in the human experience.

em·pa·thy

ˈempəTHē/

noun

1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

1. There's a movie called Powder, created in 1995 about a teenager who has this ultra-sensory gift which allows him to perceive others emotions to the extent that he absorbs their pain.
2. In one scene, a hunter has just killed a deer. Powder is devastated and in an attempt at teaching this callused hunter a lesson, he places one hand on the dying animal and another on the hunter. Using himself as a catalyst, he transfers the physical and emotional pain the tormented creature is experiencing into the man.
3. Empathy by force.

The man is trembling and crying by the end of the experience.

While this man may not be malignant by nature, he was however ignorant in the full scope of the consequences of his actions. 

He simply needed a widening of his perception.

Which begs the question, is there benefit in seeing all things from all perspectives?

Or does this hinder us?

I always believed that the conscious and mindful choice to see circumstances, both good and bad, from all perspectives, could only result in a deeper, more positive and enriched life.

Because hate and intolerance is near impossible when you understand the perspective of those that are causing pain.

Pain breeds pain.

Pain seeks out pain. subconsciously.

But when you recognize the pain in others, especially in those who have hurt you, how could you possibly hate them?

How could you hate someone when you've understood their traumatic, tumultuous and desperate upbringing?

You can't. 

You simply can't.
Not without numbing some of our humanity.

Even if they've brought you to the brink of destruction.

Why?

Empathy.

Thich Nhat Hanh says, 

"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help."

What a beautiful thought...and it is so true. But this must be applied with caution and boundaries.

Some people need help to be more empathetic and mindful. The majority of people do. Myself included!

However, most don't recognize this need in themselves. They hear what you say, recognize the merit in it, and never make application of this life enriching information.

Some may even be obstinate. 

They may resent you for even offering support in this area. 

People want to believe they're already whole. They've got life figured out. No one could ever really understand their struggles, so why on earth would they accept help from someone who's never walked in their shoes.

They may nod their head, thank you for your kindness, and never let your intentions reach their barricaded heart.

Empathy.

What If being compassionate and empathetic to a toxic human, begins to have negative consequences on ourselves?

Do we continue down the empathetic trail?

It was only 4 months into my marriage, that my husband became physically abusive.

His back story however, tugged at my empathetic nature. So while I didn't agree with how he treated me, I understood why he did it.

It was the only example of "love", that was ever set before him.

He wanted to display a healthy love so badly. But in the course of the 11 years we were together, his ability, willpower and desire to improve himself only diminished.

Why?

My empathic nature enabled his toxicity.

My empathic nature... enabled his toxicity.

My empathy, caused more harm.

Not just to myself. But to him, and his personal growth.

My love for him had entirely unloving consequences for him.

It stunted him.

I was TOO understanding?

My willingness to understand, on a deep level, why he was angry, violent and negative, WIDENED my tolerance of his abuse.

Should our tolerance of abuse on any level, ever widen?

What If it's all we've ever known?

What If it's our default?

Whether physical abuse, emotional abuse- through manipulation, being possessive, jealous or overly reactionary) or any other kind of abuse...

It wasn't until this past year, fairly recently, a kind, tender-hearted new neighbor, taught me the term self-love. Not by their personal example, but by directing me to the teachings of others.

I left my husband.  I moved to a new city and started a new life. But not because of self-love.

I was raised to constantly think of others before myself. A good Christian. Noble. But dangerous when misapplied.

And it was, by myself.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

In my 11 year long relationship with an emotionally abusive and manipulative human, I can honestly say that my empathy for him had detrimental effects on not only his personal growth, but on mine.
I feared his reactions. I coddled his bad behavior. I returned to him over and over despite that relationship nearly killing me.
Because an abuser knows how to manipulate their target. They know how to get what they want.

Fortunately for us, we have choices.
We can continue down the same pattern of abuse until it consumes us so entirely, we become a shell of ourselves, a shadow of who we really are, twisted and deformed into a version that our abuser deems more palatable.

Or we can find the strength to break free. 
For some this takes years, decades, like myself.
For others, they never love themselves enough to find the strength to leave. Almost finding comfort in familiar pain.

Each journey is a personal decision and a choice.

Are we choosing happiness or destitution?

Really, when it boils down to it, those are the choices.

I know what I have to offer both in friendship and romantic relationship. 
What I bring to the table is empathy, compassion, understanding, maturity, comfort and joy.
Most importantly I need to remember
-I am healing slowly, but surely, day by day, one step at a time.

-I am putting the past well and truly behind me to focus on the present and future.

-I am a loveable person who deserves the care, affection, and respect of others.

-I am making self-care a priority.
And most important,

-I have firm boundaries and the strength to stick to them.

I've come too far in my mental and emotional strength to slip back into self destructive behaviors now. I will never again be with someone who makes me feel pain. Any relationship I cultivate now will be of my choosing and will be because they bring only joy and positivity into my life. 
When I feel weak, I'll rely on loved ones.
When I'm confused, I'll listen to and trust my closest confidants.
When I'm sad, I'll see it, acknowledge it and I'll let it pass.

But never again will I allow someone into my life to have such negative consequences. Never again.
I am stronger than I ever knew.
With peace and gratitude,

-Elyse