Truth.

Why so much introspection lately Elyse, dagnabbit?

It seems incredibly self-centered for you to  be so inner-directed. As if your thoughts and feelings are in any way ground-breaking.

I know they're not. And that these observations and internal dialogue have been felt by millions of others on various levels.

In speaking with my friend, let's call her Jo, I found that she had been experiencing serious life-altering changes in this past year. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Her level of introspection rivaled my own.

Jo had been raised as a very strict Christian 
She had a solid foundation, a core set of beliefs.
A spiritual family.
And a twinkling of doubt with each passing year.

Each flicker of doubt was then followed by intense guilt.
A dull nagging right at the rear parietal ridge.
It begged the question, "do I look deeper into my imperfect, doubt riddled brain? Or keep the status quo?"

What's going to happen if I find out information that potentially changes my entire view of life? 
It'd be like a gargantuan tear in a well constructed, thoughtfully crafted painting that had taken decades to create. With tender hands and a sentimental, open heart, these beliefs had been coddled and watered.
Delicately pruned.
Carefully protected like chicks under a hens wing.
Layers of thick, vibrant oil paint on canvas.
Now peeling. Ruined. Devastated.

I truly believe you can justify anything.
You can find support for almost any belief.
If you WANT to believe in something, you can coil carefully selected facts and figures, undulate ideas, curlicue and convolute until something that from a logical, black and white standpoint churns into a gray, soupy mess.

Pol Pot was able to convolute ideals to such an extent that he truly in his heart was able to justify the genocide of Khmer Rouge.
Adolf Hitler was able to take an obvious injustice: wrong:sin, that of torture and murder of innocent men, women and children, and helix these obviously horrific thoughts and then actions into something that was actually accepted by society.
There are people who believe in every fiber of their being that the earth is flat. Flat-Earthers. They use "science", "logic" and most importantly, they use their heavy, saturated hope that what they're preaching is in fact, fact.

So yes, people can very easily use scripture to support ideas of heaven, hell, the immortality of the soul, the trinity, and worse, the inferiority of women, judgment of others, slavery etc.

This is because when someone wants to believe in something desperately, they can easily research out of context information, compile it into a nice package, organized and manipulated beyond recognition if needed, to support what they hope to be true.

But what is truth?
Can intangible truth even be found?

That's not for me to say.

Consequences of Upbringing

How can being raised in an environment of uncertainty, irrational behavior, unreasonable reactions and abuse, shape us?

How does this affect our choice of partner?

In my inconsistent, decade long, flighty, caffeine-fueled research, I came across 5 points that stuck out to me. They resonated with me in that either I've experienced these or witnessed these behaviors in other survivors of abuse.

1. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
2. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
3. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
4. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
5. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

People who've experienced any form of abuse it seems either become overly empathetic individuals or very callused, and "black and white", in their thinking.

There's danger in both. The first was covered in the initial blog. Overly empathetic, to the point of detriment.

The latter, is equally as dangerous and at it's very best, will cause us to ostracize well meaning people in our life. Shutting down.

callous

[kal-uh s]

adjective

1. made hard; hardened.
2. insensitive; indifferent; unsympathetic:They have a callous attitude toward the sufferings of others.

As a physical callous hardens overtime with repeated force- so does a person's psyche. 

When you've been hurt enough in your life, human nature dictates that we protect our self.

This can close us off to loving, meaningful relationships. 

It also protects us from volatile, emotional knock down-drag out, gut-wrenching, dagger in the chest, "I just want to die", pain. 

Do we HAVE to pick from those two choices?
Are our only realistic choices to be walled off emotionally from people, desolate and unattached,  or so vulnerable, it's as if we're in a crowded room of flu patients with an immune deficiency?
"Feel free to cough directly into my mouth!"

When the majority of your life has been picking up the pieces from some form of abuse, sometimes that's how it feels.
Would you prefer terrible or horrible?

I tend to believe hardened apathy is a more common response to being hurt than that of becoming more empathetic, vulnerable and tender.

However for some unknown reason, I've become MUCH more tender hearted with each passing difficulty. (Despite the sarcastic, humor-laden outer shell)
I cannot see an elderly person walking on the street, struggling with each harrowing step, no one to assist, longing for a past filled with cart-wheels and sprinting, and NOT get welled up with emotion.
I also cannot hear a story of someone's negative past, whether it be an alcoholic mother, child abuse, caustic marriage, or anxiety ridden depression, and not instantly want to scoop up said individual and rock them in my arms until their anguish subsides.
Whether they're a friend or an absolute stranger.

I truly believe a chest to chest, heart to heart, embrace, could fix the majority of the world's social dilemmas.
-Sincerely,
        Naivete

I sometimes, however, wish for the alternative mindset.
One where I could shut it off.
Not care.
Where I could observe the world though a Morphine haze. Unaffected.
Watching but not seeing.

Yet I cherish the relationships I've been able to cultivate due to my softer nature.

One thing I've noticed in myself is being drawn to to those who have been victims.

I have a hard time relating to people who appear to have had relatively "easy" up-bringings or lives.

That comes across as incredibly egoic. 

I'm a work in progress ;)

But, how could such ones possibly relate to me? Or understand my struggles?  How could someone who has lived a very vanilla, standard life, ultimately become close enough to me to where we could share a mutually beneficial emotional relationship?

Whether platonic or romantic or even familial.

I simply struggle to maintain a "surface" relationship.

I crave relationships that will enrich my life and refine me. Challenge me. Cause me to become introspective and productive.

Am I looking at something the wrong way?

Tell me.

Am I down-playing a situation again?

Tell me.

Am I being too critical or acting like a subservient floor mat again?

Please be a good friend and don't indulge my whims.

Help refine me.
 I'll take sincere advice without getting defensive, I'll mull it over. I've never been reactionary. I react after I've thought things through.
Generally.

A relationship that lacks these core ideals will simply wither. Not because I do not respect the other party involved, but because I won't feel a real connection.

I need a chest to chest connection, whether you're a friend, or romantic partner.

And when I ask you "So what are your hopes and dreams", dismissively with a laugh, I'm hoping you'll actually open up and tell me.

When I make sincere eye contact as you speak from the heart, it's because I'm actually listening to you.

And when I open up to you, it's because I trust you'll use that information in a kind, productive way.

"We can only understand another person when are able to truly listen to them. When we can listen to others we can understand their pain and difficulties. Listening deeply to another is a form of meditation."
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Balance in Empathy

Empathy.

The most important and the most under- utilized trait in the human experience.

em·pa·thy

ˈempəTHē/

noun

1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

1. There's a movie called Powder, created in 1995 about a teenager who has this ultra-sensory gift which allows him to perceive others emotions to the extent that he absorbs their pain.
2. In one scene, a hunter has just killed a deer. Powder is devastated and in an attempt at teaching this callused hunter a lesson, he places one hand on the dying animal and another on the hunter. Using himself as a catalyst, he transfers the physical and emotional pain the tormented creature is experiencing into the man.
3. Empathy by force.

The man is trembling and crying by the end of the experience.

While this man may not be malignant by nature, he was however ignorant in the full scope of the consequences of his actions. 

He simply needed a widening of his perception.

Which begs the question, is there benefit in seeing all things from all perspectives?

Or does this hinder us?

I always believed that the conscious and mindful choice to see circumstances, both good and bad, from all perspectives, could only result in a deeper, more positive and enriched life.

Because hate and intolerance is near impossible when you understand the perspective of those that are causing pain.

Pain breeds pain.

Pain seeks out pain. subconsciously.

But when you recognize the pain in others, especially in those who have hurt you, how could you possibly hate them?

How could you hate someone when you've understood their traumatic, tumultuous and desperate upbringing?

You can't. 

You simply can't.
Not without numbing some of our humanity.

Even if they've brought you to the brink of destruction.

Why?

Empathy.

Thich Nhat Hanh says, 

"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help."

What a beautiful thought...and it is so true. But this must be applied with caution and boundaries.

Some people need help to be more empathetic and mindful. The majority of people do. Myself included!

However, most don't recognize this need in themselves. They hear what you say, recognize the merit in it, and never make application of this life enriching information.

Some may even be obstinate. 

They may resent you for even offering support in this area. 

People want to believe they're already whole. They've got life figured out. No one could ever really understand their struggles, so why on earth would they accept help from someone who's never walked in their shoes.

They may nod their head, thank you for your kindness, and never let your intentions reach their barricaded heart.

Empathy.

What If being compassionate and empathetic to a toxic human, begins to have negative consequences on ourselves?

Do we continue down the empathetic trail?

It was only 4 months into my marriage, that my husband became physically abusive.

His back story however, tugged at my empathetic nature. So while I didn't agree with how he treated me, I understood why he did it.

It was the only example of "love", that was ever set before him.

He wanted to display a healthy love so badly. But in the course of the 11 years we were together, his ability, willpower and desire to improve himself only diminished.

Why?

My empathic nature enabled his toxicity.

My empathic nature... enabled his toxicity.

My empathy, caused more harm.

Not just to myself. But to him, and his personal growth.

My love for him had entirely unloving consequences for him.

It stunted him.

I was TOO understanding?

My willingness to understand, on a deep level, why he was angry, violent and negative, WIDENED my tolerance of his abuse.

Should our tolerance of abuse on any level, ever widen?

What If it's all we've ever known?

What If it's our default?

Whether physical abuse, emotional abuse- through manipulation, being possessive, jealous or overly reactionary) or any other kind of abuse...

It wasn't until this past year, fairly recently, a kind, tender-hearted new neighbor, taught me the term self-love. Not by their personal example, but by directing me to the teachings of others.

I left my husband.  I moved to a new city and started a new life. But not because of self-love.

I was raised to constantly think of others before myself. A good Christian. Noble. But dangerous when misapplied.

And it was, by myself.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

In my 11 year long relationship with an emotionally abusive and manipulative human, I can honestly say that my empathy for him had detrimental effects on not only his personal growth, but on mine.
I feared his reactions. I coddled his bad behavior. I returned to him over and over despite that relationship nearly killing me.
Because an abuser knows how to manipulate their target. They know how to get what they want.

Fortunately for us, we have choices.
We can continue down the same pattern of abuse until it consumes us so entirely, we become a shell of ourselves, a shadow of who we really are, twisted and deformed into a version that our abuser deems more palatable.

Or we can find the strength to break free. 
For some this takes years, decades, like myself.
For others, they never love themselves enough to find the strength to leave. Almost finding comfort in familiar pain.

Each journey is a personal decision and a choice.

Are we choosing happiness or destitution?

Really, when it boils down to it, those are the choices.

I know what I have to offer both in friendship and romantic relationship. 
What I bring to the table is empathy, compassion, understanding, maturity, comfort and joy.
Most importantly I need to remember
-I am healing slowly, but surely, day by day, one step at a time.

-I am putting the past well and truly behind me to focus on the present and future.

-I am a loveable person who deserves the care, affection, and respect of others.

-I am making self-care a priority.
And most important,

-I have firm boundaries and the strength to stick to them.

I've come too far in my mental and emotional strength to slip back into self destructive behaviors now. I will never again be with someone who makes me feel pain. Any relationship I cultivate now will be of my choosing and will be because they bring only joy and positivity into my life. 
When I feel weak, I'll rely on loved ones.
When I'm confused, I'll listen to and trust my closest confidants.
When I'm sad, I'll see it, acknowledge it and I'll let it pass.

But never again will I allow someone into my life to have such negative consequences. Never again.
I am stronger than I ever knew.
With peace and gratitude,

-Elyse