One year ago...

Dear Elyse,
    Happy one year anniversary of the best decision you ever made.
-love Elyse

ho·me·o·sta·sis

ˌhōmēəˈstāsəs/

noun

1. the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes.

I've pondered a lot about certain choices I've made in my life and if there was any pattern to them in an attempt to make sense of it all.

How did I get to the point in life that I'm at right now?

This...unsettled, excitingly unknown space I find myself in...

We're all shaped by our life experience.

From our parents behaviors, to morality and ethics thrust upon us as children, to genetics, to the influence of our peers.

Every one of these things, and more, shape who we are to become as adults.

Guilt, shame, vulnerability, fragility, strength, drive, empathy, fierceness...

Which of these would encapsulate you? If you could pick any 2 to describe yourself.

Could you pick 2 of the exact opposites? Ultimately, we're all paradoxical beings...

While changing bad habits is difficult, changing negative or debilitating personality traits can be downright overwhelming. Even attempting to slightly refine ourselves can prove difficult.

Once we've reached adulthood, our inner being has already began cementing itself.

We could read every Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chödrön and Brene Brown book that exists. Listen to every one of Oprah's SuperSoul podcasts. We could read the Bible, Qur'an, Book of Mormon, whatever might interest you...

And not one single modicum of it will matter, if you don't make practical, consistent application.

Reading Thich Naht Hanh, has not made me wiser.

And it won't, until I actually absorb and apply and let it reach my heart.

We can parrot back the things we read. But that means nothing.
We can speak with conviction, firm fists clenched and chin up.
But the words prick the surface, not the spirit.

I always viewed myself as a strong human.

I endured an excruciatingly difficult childhood, unbeknownst to my loving parents. I made it through, relatively unscathed... I had thought.

A major result of challenges early on, I eventually came to realize, was my choice of a spouse, which I endured for over a decade. 

During the exceptionally difficult times I'd wonder not only why I chose this person, but why I allowed, even enabled it.

I'd analyze to such an extent that I'm surprised I didn't go mad trying to make sense of it all.

Because there wasn't sense to be made.
Cue life lesson #872

Once I gained the strength and confidence to leave, I felt a pull to go all the way!

Start fresh.

 I'll move to a completely new city, where I know no one. Not one single person.

I'll quit my incredibly stable job I love so much with people that have grown to be family.

I'll leave all the friend's I've ever known, who lived no more than 2 blocks away from me. People I've known since I was in diapers.

I'll, with deliberate intention, lovingly create space between myself and those who've caused me harm.

I'll open my mind to new ways of thinking.

Cue the existential crisis and life lesson #873  Woohoo!

I thought I was strong.

I thought I was smart enough to make good choices and create boundaries when needed.

I thought I loved myself enough to not be absorbed into unstable situations.

I've never been so humbled.in my life.

I've easily eaten at least 14 (vegan) humble pies in the 6 months I've lived in Rochester. (That's why I started running on the treadmill)

They're sickening sweet. They've made me double over, heaving.  And there's more baking in the oven. I'm sure of it!

As it turns out, completely changing every single aspect of my life, from relationships, to jobs, to physical location, to a complete overhaul mentally, did not create an environment where I remained this emotional pillar of strength and reason!  Go figure!

Almost immediately after moving up here, I made a choice to recognize people who bore qualities I wanted to surround myself with.

Mindfulness. Empathy. Kindness. Compassion for all living beings.

I put myself out there and reached out to some, with nervousness and hesitation.

Two people specifically come to mind.

Both have introduced me to other like minded individuals.

Both I love whole-heartedly.

I'm so glad I did because the caliber of humans I've met has far exceeded my hopes.

I don't even feel deserving of some of the friendships I've established. 

I've cultivated incredible closeness with individuals who are enduring their own struggles as well. Deep, gut wrenching struggles.

Hands in the air. Knees on the ground. Mouth agape. They absorb the shrapnel wielded by the storm, wincing, because that's all they've known.
And I get it.

Which brings me back to this idea of homeostasis.

Homeostasis is our default.

We always slip back into our normal.

What If our comfort is uncomfortable?

What If life has conditioned us to settle into and reach for feelings that others might deliberately avoid?

I relate to individuals with tender fragility. The empaths.

They're fragile because they've experienced hardship, like me. There's camaraderie and understanding.

It's said that love is seeing yourself in someone else.

Those were the exact words said to me by one of the first people I met up here.

And to turn away from such ones would be to ignore my own humanity.

There's constant dynamic tension between homeostasis and change.
Negative feedback loops and positive ones.
And we have to find that critical balance or else we change radically, some may argue, inauthentically, or we remain stagnant.

Homeostasis gives the sense of stability. Even if our "normal" is emotional chaos.

 I know others whose default is one built with sturdy walls.
They see, or hear one things they dislike about another person our situation and immediately draw a line.
They make a judgement call based on the information they're given, whether it's based on fact or not, and create a boundary immediately.

These people have the ability to cut others out of their life, like it's their job. They block them. Make deliberate actions to sever all contact and they feel good about it.
It's not necessarily done in anger, but as a way to protect their bubble that they've carefully constructed.
They won't even allow certain conversation in their presence.

Everyone is different.

There's people who are soft and tender.
They have a constant, overwhelming tugging to help others regardless of how it might affect them. They can't draw lines. They don't protect themselves from harmful people. They almost beg to be a punching bag. It feels good.
They feel every feeling from every perspective in every circumstance.

Where is the balance?
Does it exist or is it an illusion?
Or is it a paradox?

I suppose balance differs with every individual and since it cannot be measured, it cannot ever be fully grasped.
Only felt.

I hope to feel it one day.
I sense its closeness.
With a conscious understanding and acceptance of life's peaks and valleys.
Because peace simply means accepting life's uncertainties.
Accepting the rough edges with the smooth.
Knowing that you cannot numb the bad without numbing some good.
So honor all feelings. See them, and let them pass.
Practice boundaried vulnerability.
Practice courageous surrender
Practice humble strength
Be the sky, not the clouds.

It's been one year since I walked away from a man who loved me with his whole heart. But that love wasn't enough to squash the monster inside of him.

Even now I cannot judge him.
Because he wanted to be different. He tried so hard.

But I've learned this year that it's okay to live for myself.
It's okay to put my needs and safety first.
It's ok to make mistakes and be completely vulnerable.
And there's really good people here on the outside who love me for me.
And I love them too.

Love is a funny thing.
You can't grab a measuring stick and study it.
You can't even really define it.
There's so many variations of it.

But it's the strongest pull in the universe.
An intangible gravitational field.
Some stay far beyond reach of this unpredictable and somewhat terrifying area.
Some sprint towards it.

Maybe it's best if we do neither.
Maybe we shouldn't have the goal of being a "lover".
Maybe we should simply be love.
Rest in love.
Let whatever course lay its natural path.

Where there's no pressure, or expectation.
There's just this soft place of understanding.

We don't know the end of our story.
Isn't that exciting?
.
:)